The Tables Turned | Page 9

That fact is impressed on my mind from the rude and coarse words which you said when you mounted your stool or rostrum to the friend who accompanied you and had under his arm a bundle of a very reprehensible and ribald print called the Commonweal, one of which he, I may say, forced me to purchase.
_J. F_. Well, what did I say?
Arch. You said, "I say, Bill! damned hard lines to have to speak to a lamp-post, a kid, and an old buffer"--by the latter vulgarity indicating myself, as I understand.
_J. F_. Yes, my lord, so it is. Now let me ask you, if that matters, is Beadon Road a thronged thoroughfare?
Arch. On the contrary; at least on the morning on which I was there, there was a kind of Sabbath rest about it, scarcely broken by the harangue of yourself, sir.
_J. F_. You heard what I said, my lord?
Arch. I did, and was much shocked at it.
_J. F_. Well, did I say anything about bowels?
Arch. I regret to say that you did.
_J. F_. Do you remember the words I used?
Arch. Only too well. You said, but at great length, and with much embroidery of language more than questionable, that capital had no bowels for the worker, nor owners of capital either; and that since no one else would be kind to them, the workers must be kind to themselves and take the matter into their own hands.
_J. N_. (_making notes_). Owners of _the capital_; workman must take the matter--take the matter--into their own hands.
_J. F_. Well, I have no more questions to ask your Grace.
_Mr. H_. With many excuses, your Grace, I will ask you a question.
Arch. Certainly, Mr Hungary.
_Mr. H_. You say that the audience was very small; that was at first; but did it not increase as time went on?
Arch. Yes; an itinerant vendor of ices drew up his stall there, and two policemen--these gentlemen--strolled in, and some ten or more others stood round us before the orator had finished.
_Mr. H_. (_Aside_: H'm! old beggar will be so very specific. Let's try him as to the sedition.) (To ARCH.) My lord, you said that you were shocked at what the prisoner said: what was the nature of his discourse?
Arch. I regret to have to say that it was a mass of the most frightful incendiarism, delivered with an occasional air of jocularity and dry humour that made my flesh creep. Amidst the persistent attacks on property he did not spare other sacred things. He even made an attack on my position, stating (wrongly) the amount of my moderate stipend. Indeed, I think he recognised me, although I was partially disguised.
_J. F_. (_Aside_: True for you, old Benson, or else how could I have subpoenaed you?)
_Mr. H_. I thank your Grace: that will do.
_J. F_. I now call Lord Tennyson.
[LORD TENNYSON sworn.
_J. F_. My lord, have you been present, in disguise, at a meeting of the Socialist League in 13 Farringdon Road?
Lord T. What's that to you? What do you want to know for? Yes, I have, if it comes to that.
_J. F_. Who brought you there?
Lord T. A policeman: one Potlegoff. I thought he was a Russian by his name, but it seems he is an Englishman--and a liar. He said it would be exciting: so I went.
_J. F_. And was it exciting?
Lord T. NO: it was dull.
_J. F_. How many were present?
Lord T. Seventeen: I counted them, because I hadn't got anything else to do.
_J. F_. Did they plot anything dreadful?
Lord T. Not that I could hear. They sat and smoked; and one fool was in the chair, and another fool read letters; and then they worried till I was sick of it as to where such and such fools should go to spout folly the next week; and now and then an old bald-headed fool and a stumpy little fool in blue made jokes, at which they laughed a good deal; but I couldn't understand the jokes--and I came away.
_J. F_. Thank you, my lord.
_Mr. H_. My lord Tennyson, I wish to ask you a question. You say that you couldn't understand their jokes: but could you understand them when they were in earnest?
Lord T. No, I couldn't: I can't say I tried. I don't want to understand Socialism: it doesn't belong to my time. [Exit.
_J. F_. I call Professor Tyndall.
[PROFESSOR TYNDALL sworn.
_J. F_. Professor Tyndall, have you seen me before?
_Pro. T_. Yes; I have seen you in a public-house, where I went to collect the opinions of the lower orders against Mr. Gladstone.
_J. F_. Who was I with?
_Pro. T_. You were with a man whom I was told was a policeman in plain clothes, and with some others that I assume to have been friends of yours, as you winked at them and