The Sot-weed Factor | Page 5

Plantiff and
Defendant,
I thought they ne'er wou'd make an end on't:
With
nonsense, stuff and false quotations,
With brazen Lyes and
Allegations;
And in the splitting of the Cause,
They used much
Motions with their Paws,
As shew'd their Zeal was strongly bent,
In
Blows to end the Argument.
A reverend Judge, who to the shame

Of all the Bench, cou'd write his (y) his Name;
At Petty-fogger took
offence,
And wonder'd at his Impudence.
My Neighbour _Dash_
with scorn replies,
And in the Face of Justice flies;
The Bench in
fury streight divide,

And Scribble's take or Judge's side;
The Jury,
Lawyers and their Clyents,
Contending fight like earth-born Gyants;

But Sheriff wily lay perdue,
Hoping Indictments wou'd ensue,

And when----------------------
A Hat or Wig fell in the way,
He
seized them for the _Queen_ as stray:
The Court adjourn'd in usual
manner
In Battle Blood and fractious Clamour;
I thought it proper
to provide,
A Lodging for myself and Guide,
So to our Inn we
march'd away,
Which at a little distance lay;
Where all things were

in such Confusion,
I thought the World at its conclusion;
A Herd of
Planters on the ground,
O'er-whelm'd with Punch, dead drunk, we
found;
Others were fighting and contending,
Some burnt their
Cloaths to save the mending.
A few whose Heads by frequent use,

Could better bare the potent Juice,
Gravely debated State Affairs.

Whilst I most nimbly trip'd up Stairs;
Leaving my Friend discoursing
oddly,
And mixing things Prophane and Godly;
Just then beginning
to be Drunk,
As from the Company I slunk,
To every Room and
Nook I crept,
In hopes I might have somewhere slept;
But all the
bedding was possest
By one or other drunken Guest:
But after
looking long about,
I found an antient Corn-loft out,
Glad that I
might in quiet sleep,
And there my bones unfractur'd keep.
I lay'd
me down secure from Fray,
And soundly snoar'd till break of Day;

When waking fresh I sat upright,
And found my Shooes were
vanish'd quite;
Hat, Wig, and Stockings, all were fled
From this
extended _Indian_ Bed;
Vext at the Loss of Goods and Chattel,
I
swore I'd give the Rascal battel,
Who had abus'd me in this fort,

And Merchant Stranger made his Sport.
I furiously descended Ladder;

No Hare in _March_ was ever madder;
In vain I search'd for my
Apparel,
And did with Oast and Servants Quarrel;
For one whose
Mind did much aspire
To (z) Mischief, threw them in the Fire:
Equipt with neither Hat nor Shooe,
I did my coming hither rue,
And
doubtful thought what I should do:
Then looking round, I saw my
Friend
Lie naked on a Table's end;

A sight so dismal to behold,

One wou'd have judg'd him dead and cold,
When wringing of his
bloody Nose,
By fighting got we may suppose;
I found him not so
fast asleep,
Might give his friends a cause to weep:
Rise (aa)
_Oronooko_, rise said I,
And from this _Hell_ and _Bedlam_ fly.

My Guide starts up, and in amaze,
With blood-shot Eyes did round
him gaze;
At length with many a sigh and groan,
He went in search
of aged Rhoan;
But Rhoan, tho' seldom us'd to faulter,
Had fairly
this time slipt his Halter;
And not content all Night to stay
Ty'd up

from Fodder, ran away:
After my Guide to ketch him ran,
And so I
lost both Horse and Man:
Which Disappointment tho' so great,
Did
only Mirth and Jests create:
Till one more Civil than the rest,
In
Conversation for the best,
Observing that for want of Rhoan,
I
should be left to walk alone;
Most readily did me intreat,
To take a
Bottle at his Seat;
A Favour at that time so great,
I blest my kind
propitious Fate;
And finding soon a fresh supply,
Of Cloaths from
Stoar-house kept hard by,
I mounted streight on such a Steed,
Did
rather curb, than whipping need;
And straining at the usual rate,
With spur of Punch which lay in Pate,

E'er long we lighted at the Gate:
Where in an antient _Cedar_
House,
Dwelt my new Friend a (bb) Cockerouse;
Whose Fabrick
tho' 'twas built of Wood,
Had many Springs and Winters stood;

When sturdy Oaks, and lofty Pines
Were level'd with (cc) Musmillion
Vines,
And Plants eradicated were,
By Hurricanes into the air;

There with good Punch and Apple Juice,
We spent our Hours without
abuse;
Till Midnight in her sable Vest,
Persuaded Gods and Men to
rest;
And with a pleasing kind surprize,
Indulg'd soft Slumbers to
my Eyes.
Fierce (dd) _Æthon_ courser of the Sun,
Had half his
Race exactly run;
And breath'd on me a fiery Ray,
Darting hot Beams the following
Day,
When snug in Blanket white I lay:
But Heat and (ee) Chinces
rais'd the Sinner,
Most opportunely to his Dinner;
Wild Fowl and Fish delicious Meats,
As good as _Neptune's_ doxy
eats,

Began our Hospitable Treat;
Fat Venson follow'd in the Rear,

And Turkies wild (ff) Luxurious Chear:
But what the Feast did
most commend,
Was hearty welcom from my Friend.
Thus having
made a noble Feast,
And eat as well as pamper'd Priest,
_Madera_
strong in flowing Bowls,
Fill'd with extream delight our Souls;
Till
wearied with a purple Flood,
Of generous Wine (the Giant's blood,

As Poets feign) away I made,
For some refreshing verdant Shade;


Where musing on my Rambles strange,
And Fortune which so oft did
change;
In midst of various Contemplations
Of Fancies odd, and
Meditations,
I slumbered long---------------
Till hazy Night with
noxious Dews
Did sleep's unwholsom Fetters lose;
With Vapors
chil'd, and misty air,
To fire-side