The Sleeping-Car | Page 4

ROBERTS. I'm sure I can't tell. It's a great many years since he
went out there, and I've never seen him in all that time. I thought if you
did happen to know him--He's a lawyer.
THE CALIFORNIAN. It's quite likely I know him; and in the morning,
ma'am--
MRS. ROBERTS. Oh, excuse me. I'm very sorry to have kept you so
long awake with my silly questions.
THE MAN IN THE UPPER BERTH. Don't apologize, madam. I'm not
a Californian myself, but I'm an orphan, and away from home, and I
thank you, on behalf of all our fellow-passengers, for the mental
refreshment that your conversation has afforded us. I could lie here and
listen to it all night; but there are invalids in some of these berths, and
perhaps on their account it will be as well to defer everything till the
morning, as our friend suggests. Allow me to wish you pleasant dreams,
madam.
[THE CALIFORNIAN, while MRS. ROBERTS shrinks back under the
curtain of her berth in dismay, and stammers some inaudible excuse,
slowly emerges full length from his berth.]
THE CALIFORNIAN. Don't you mind me, ma'am; I've got everything
but my boots and coat on. Now, then [standing beside the berth, and
looking in upon the man in the upper tier], you, do you know that this
is a lady you're talking to?
THE UPPER BERTH. By your voice and your shaggy personal
appearance I shouldn't have taken you for a lady--no, sir. But the light
is very imperfect; you may be a bearded lady.

THE CALIFORNIAN. You never mind about my looks. The question
is, Do you want your head rapped up against the side of this car?
THE UPPER BERTH. With all the frankness of your own Pacific slope,
no.
MRS. ROBERTS (hastily reappearing). Oh, no, no, don't hurt him. He's
not to blame. I was wrong to keep on talking. Oh, please don't hurt
him!
THE CALIFORNIAN (to THE UPPER BERTH). You hear? Well,
now, don't you speak another word to that lady tonight. Just go on,
ma'am, and free your mind on any little matter you like. I don't want
any sleep. How long has your brother been in California?
MRS. ROBERTS. Oh, don't let's talk about it now; I don't want to talk
about it. I thought--I thought--Good-night. Oh, dear! I didn't suppose I
was making so much trouble. I didn't mean to disturb anybody. I--
[MRS. ROBERTS gives way to the excess of her confusion and
mortification in a little sob, and then hides her grief behind the curtains
of her berth. THE CALIFORNIAN slowly emerges again from his
couch, and stands beside it, looking in upon the man in the berth
above.]
THE CALIFORNIAN. For half a cent I would rap your head up against
that wall. Making the lady cry, and getting me so mad I can't sleep!
Now see here, you just apologize. You beg that lady's pardon, or I'll
have you out of there before you know yourself. [Cries of "Good!"
"That's right!" and "Make him show himself!" hail MRS. ROBERTS'S
champion, and heads, more or less dishevelled, are thrust from every
berth. MRS. ROBERTS remains invisible and silent, and the loud and
somewhat complicated respiration of her AUNT makes itself heard in
the general hush of expectancy. A remark to the effect that "The old
lady seems to enjoy her rest" achieves a facile applause. THE
CALIFORNIAN again addresses the culprit.] Come, now, what do you
say? I'll give you just one-half a minute.
MRS. ROBERTS (from her shelter). Oh, please, please don't make him
say anything. It was very trying in me to keep him awake, and I know
he didn't mean any offence. Oh, do let him be!
THE CALIFORNIAN. You hear that? You stay quiet the rest of the
time; and if that lady choses to keep us all awake the whole night, don't
you say a word, or I'll settle with you in the morning.

[Loud and continued applause, amidst which THE CALIFORNIAN
turns from the man in the berth before him, and restores order by
marching along the aisle of the car in his stocking feet. The heads
vanish behind the curtains. As the laughter subsides, he returns to his
berth, and after a stare up and down the tranquillized car, he is about to
retire.]
A VOICE. Oh, don't just bow. Speak!
[A fresh burst of laughter greets this sally. THE CALIFORNIAN erects
himself again with an air of baited wrath, and then suddenly breaks into
a helpless laugh.]
THE CALIFORNIAN. Gentlemen, you're too many for me.
[He gets into his berth, and after cries of "Good for California!"
"You're all right, William Nye!" and "You're several ahead yet!" the
occupants of the different berths gradually relapse into silence, and