The Sleeping Bard | Page 9

well received, whether true or false, provided they were
amusing and of late date, above all if they contained plenty of scandal:
there they sat, each with his clay pistol puffing forth fire and smoke,
and slander to his neighbour. At length I was fain to request my guide
to permit me to move on; the floor was impure with saliva and spilt
drink, and I was apprehensive that certain heavy hiccups which I heard,
might be merely the prelude to something more disagreeable.
From thence we went to a place where we heard a terrible noise, a
medley of striking, jabbering, crying and laughing, shouting and
singing. "Here's Bedlam, doubtless," said I. By the time we entered the
den the brawling had ceased. Of the company, one was on the ground
insensible; another was in a yet more deplorable condition; another was
nodding over a hearthful of battered pots, pieces of pipes, and oozings
of ale. And what was all this, upon enquiry, but a carousal of seven
thirsty neighbours--a goldsmith, a pilot, a smith, a miner, a
chimney-sweeper, a poet, and a parson who had come to preach
sobriety, and to exhibit in himself what a disgusting thing drunkenness
is. The origin of the last squabble was a dispute which had arisen
among them, about which of the seven loved a pipe and flagon best.
The poet had carried the day over all the rest, with the exception of the
parson, who, out of respect for his cloth, had the most votes, being
placed at the head of the jolly companions--the poet singing:--
"Oh, where are there seven beneath the sky,
Who with these seven for
thirst can vie?
But the best for good ale, these seven among,
Are the
jolly divine, and the son of song."

Disgusted with these drunken swine, we went nearer to the gate, to take
a peep at the follies of the palace of _Love_, the purblind king; it is a
place easy to enter and difficult to escape from, and in it there is a
prodigious number of chambers. In the hall opposite to the door was
insane Cupid, with his two arrows upon his bow, shooting tormenting
poison, which is called _bliss_. Upon the floor I could see many fair
damsels, finely dressed, walking about, and behind them a parcel of
miserable youths gazing upon their beauty, and each eager to obtain a
glance from his mistress, fearing her frown far worse than death. One
was bending to the ground and placing a letter in the hands of his
goddess; another a piece of music, all in fearful expectation, like
school-boys showing their tasks to their master; and the damsels would
glance back upon them a smile, to keep up the fervour of their adorers,
but nothing more, lest they should lose their desire, become cured of
their wound and depart. On going forward to the parlour, I beheld
females learning to dance and to sing, and to play on instruments, for
the purpose of making their lovers seven times more foolish than they
were already: on going to the buttery, I found them taking lessons in
delicacy and propriety of eating: on going to the cellar, I saw them
making up potent love drinks, from nail-parings and the like: on going
to the chambers, we beheld a fellow in a secret apartment, putting
himself into all kinds of attitudes, to teach his beloved elegant manners;
another learning in a glass to laugh in a becoming manner, without
showing to his love too much of his teeth; another we found
embellishing his tale before going to her, and repeating the same lesson
a hundred times. Tired of this insiped folly, I went to another chamber,
where there was a nobleman, who had sent for a bard from the street of
Pride, to compose a eulogistic strain on his angel, and a laudatory ode
on himself; the bard was haranguing upon his talent--"I can," said he,
"compare her to all the red and white under the sun, and say that her
hair is a hundredfold more yellow than gold; and as for your ode, I can
carry your genealogy through the bowels of an infinity of knights and
princes, and through the waters of the deluge, even as high up as
Adam." "Lo!" said I, "here is a bard who is a better inventor than
myself." "Come away, come away," said the angel, "these people are
thinking to bamboozle the woman, but when they go to her, they will
be sure to obtain from her as good as they bring."

On leaving these people, we caught a glimpse of some cells, where
more obscene practices were going on than modesty will suffer me to
mention, which caused my companion to snatch me away in wrath,
from this