The Silly Syclopedia | Page 5

bottle?"
"That is my cough medicine," said the Secretary, giving a sample of the cough.
"It may be wine or cream de mint because your voice sounds nervous."
"I am nervous because the world is still giggling at my pajamas," said the Secretary.
"Back to the pajamas! Bad business! bad business! I will have to dig a tunnel through your neckties to see if you have a cafe au lait or a cafe chanteuse in the trunk. When a man gets nervous it is always wise to watch him. Open your mouth!"
The Secretary did so.
"What have you been drinking?"
"A vermouth cocktail," said the Secretary.
"Domestic or imported?"
"Neither; the Captain treated," said the Secretary.
"It looks to me much like foreign spirits," said the man.
"Do you wish to open me further and see?" inquired the Secretary.
Then the man waded into the Secretary's other trunks, two-stepped over his negligee shirts, waltzed through his waist-coats and did a polka amidst the ruins of his dress suit.
"What is the verdict?" said the Secretary after the battle was over.
"Not guilty, but you might be," said the man, smiling briefly.
As the Secretary walked out the Stars and Stripes seemed to bow politely at him and whisper with a voice slightly sarcastic: "You for the seat away back!"
"Some day," said the Secretary, "I will jump into politics so far that my trunk will always be a dark secret to the Custom Housers!"
And he did it.
From the life of the Secretary we learn the lesson that there is much Liberty in this country, but, incidentally, there are a couple of bald spots where it is missing.
If you don't believe me come home from Europe some day by way of the Custom House.

[Illustration: "D--Sometimes an old fool gets away with a good thing."]
Do you know that a wise man can sometimes be a fool and get away with it?
Don't go among doers if you don't want to be did.
Duty calls and finds most men holding nothing but a four-flush.
Don't try to be a stinger if you don't want to get stung.
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### D: The letter of the alphabet which always runs fourth. ###
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DAISY. A twin sister to a peach. See Dream.
DAM. A species of floodgates. By adding the letter "n" the floodgates are loosened.
DAMSEL. See Daisy.
DARLING. See your best girl.
DAFFY. See a doctor.
[Illustration]
DAWN. The cold, gray period immediately following a red-hot night.
DELUDE. To take your wife by the hand and lead her away from the truth.
[Illustration]
DELUSION. Something which every man likes to hug--especially if she's pretty.
DESTINY. Something which laughs at those who never say die.
DESCRIBE. To give an account of. For instance, one woman giving a description of another woman's wearing apparel--oh, fudge!
DOGS OF WAR. Animals that live on bones of contention.
DRUNKARDS. The monuments which whiskey erects all along the road to ruin.
DUST. The material from which man is made and that is the reason why woman sweeps all before her.

[Illustration: "E--And when she marries her fourth husband its a great deal."]
Everybody knows that money talks, but nobody notices what kind of grammar it uses.
Evil be to him who evil drinketh.
Every woman loves an ideal man until she marries him--then it's a new deal.
Every time you stop and stare at Success it gets up and leaves the room.
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### E: The fifth letter of the alphabet which is usually silent at the end of a word--quite unlike some women you know of, eh! ###
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EAR. A place which hears a great many things which should never have been said.
[Illustration]
EARTH. An orange-shaped ball hanging in space and inhabited by two classes of people, to wit: kickers and more kickers.
EDEN. The garden where Adam and Eve baked the first apple pie and pied the human race.
ECSTASY. A state in which the mind is carried away. For instance, if you are in a runaway automobile, you are in ecstasy until you hit a telegraph pole; after that you're in a hospital.
EGOTIST. A man who uses his brain for the purpose of believing that he is the greatest ever.
ELBOW. Something you give a man you don't like.
EASTER. A season of the year devoted to new bonnets, overcoatless young men and pneumonia. A tide in the affairs of women which, taken at the pocketbook, leads on to the milliners.
ELOPE. A hurried trip taken by two lovers for the purpose of wiring Papa for funds to get home.
[Illustration]
ELOCUTION. A disease which breaks out among students, but which is fatal only to the spectators.
EMPLOYER. A man who has a soft spot for a hard worker.
ENVY. The root of much criticism.
ECONOMY. A system practiced by some men which permits their wives to wear last year's dresses so that they can buy better cigars.
EXPERIENCE. The best of all teachers, because it's impossible for the scholar to run away from school.

[Illustration: "F--There's