The Silly Syclopedia | Page 3

Norwegian bun, meaning high tide. "Yesterday he annexed a bundle and this morning he sits on the front steps singing soft lullabies to a hold-over." (Shakespeare, page 18.)

[Illustration: "C--Coogan thinking about home."]
Charity begins at home and ruins its health by staying there too much.
Children who are wayward grow up to be the people who fall by the wayside.
Coogan says there is no place like home--and he congratulates the other places.
Consistency is a jewel, but it isn't fashionable to wear it.
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### C: The third letter of the alphabet. It is also used in music, especially by prima donnas who try to reach it and fall flat. ###
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CAB. A machine invented for the purpose of going somewhere, but which seldom gets there. An inland tugboat.
[Illustration]
CAD. A shine with an extra polish on.
CALAMITY. A loud-mouthed individual who insists upon telling stale jokes.
CASH. The stuff we work for, work other people for and are worked for. Synonyms: Bones, Cash, Coin, Dough, Ducats, Long-green, Mazuma, and 1,000 others.
CHARITY. Something which begins at home and stays at home every day except Sunday, when it goes to church to talk about itself.
CINCH. When a man starts out with a bundle of money and a bundle of booze it's a cinch that he drops the money first.
COLD FEET. A punishment for those that stand around and wait for dead men's shoes.
COMPLIMENTS. Things which some people fish for hard enough to catch a sea-serpent.
CONFIDENCE MAN. The noblest work of fraud.
CONCLUSION. Something a woman jumps at in the same manner in which she jumps off a street car--which is backwards.
CONSCIENCE. The alarm clock on a man's mind which is seldom wound up.
CONSISTENCY. A jewel which isn't appreciated as a Christmas present.
CONTENTMENT. A large, open-faced gentleman telling his friends how he self-made himself.
COPPER-FASTENED CINCH. A good-looking widow who has made up her mind to marry again.
COURTSHIP. Love's excursion boat just before it strikes the rough sea of matrimony.
CROOK. A man who says nobody is straight.
[Illustration]
COOK. Something which makes up her mind to stay in the kitchen and then loses her mind. A product of modern society who has for her motto "Dimuendo contralto dumdum," which means, "She who cooks and runs away will live to cook another day."
CROW. A bird politicians would eat after election if they were not so busy drinking.
[Illustration]
CZAR. An illustration of the old proverb, "Uneasy lies the King when falls the Ace."
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The following letter written by the Czar to Tolstoi probably illustrates better than any other document the pleasant and health-giving conditions under which the Czar lives and reigns:--
In The Cellar, To-day.
Dear Tolsey:--My hands tremble a little in the armor-plated gloves, so you must excuse bad spelling.
They have just handed me a small bunch of asbestos writing paper, and the fountain pen has been sterilized to remove the poison, so I will write you.
Great Scottovitch! you can never enjoy the feeling of anxiety which gallops over me when I wake in the morning and wonder will the hard-boiled eggs explode before I eat my breakfast.
At six o'clock this morning I was awakened by a scratching noise on the iron quilt which covers my repose. A cold perspiration broke out on my forehead. I buried my head in the hardwood pillows and waited the end. Just then M. Stepupski, the Minister of the Department of Bum Shells, walked in through the secret tunnel in the wall.
I threw the aluminum blanket off my face and cried: "What is it? What is it?"
"Pardonoviski, Your Majesty," said M. Stepupski, "it is the cat! Whether it is a trained cat carrying a deadly bombshell in the forward turret, I don't know, but we will investigationiski at once."
My minister coaxed the cat away and five minutes later a loud explosion confirmed M. Stepupski's theory that the cat's bosom contained something more than nine lives.
It also confirmed M. Stepupski, because he has been strangely absent ever since together with a stained-glass window and a lot of new furniture.
Take my advice, Tolstoi, and don't be a royalty.
I say this as one friend to another and not because I have to wear copper-fastened pajamas.
I don't mind the copper-fastened pajamas so much, but to wear asphalt neckties and barb-wire suspenders is something which aggravates the spirit.
At 8 A.M. this morning M. Cornmealski, the Minister of the Department of Armored Breakfasts, reported that he had discovered something suspicious in the dish of peeled prunes.
We examined the prunes carefully and found them stuffed with free tickets to ride on the Brooklyn Elevated Railroad. We burned the tickets hastily and saved our lives again.
M. Cornmealski reports that up to date 219 different breakfast foods have been received at the palace kitchen. He says they range all the way from consolidated shavings to perforated sawdust, with here and there