The Romancers | Page 4

thrive on their secret love. That is how I came to invent this hatred of ours. And you even doubted its success! Now all we have to do is to say Yes.
PASQUINOT. But how can it be done? Remember, I've called you a scoundrel, fool, idiot--
BERGAMIN. Idiot? Scoundrel was sufficient.
PASQUINOT. Now what pretext--?
BERGAMIN. Your daughter herself has given me an inspiration. This evening they are to meet here at eight. Percinet comes first. At the moment Sylvette appears, mysterious men in black will emerge from the shadows and start to carry her off. An abduction! She screams, then our young hero gives chase, draws his sword--the ravishers pretend to flee--I arrive on the scene, then you--your daughter is safe and sound. You bless the couple and drop a few appropriate tears; my heart is softened. Tableau.
PASQUINOT. A stroke of genius.
BERGAMIN. [Modestly] Yes--I think it really is. Look--see that man coming? It's Straforel, the bravado whom I wrote to a few minutes ago. He is to superintend the abduction.
[STRAFOREL, in an elaborate swordsman's costume, appears at the back of BERGAMIN's park, and swaggers down-stage.]
BERGAMIN. [Descending from the wall and bowing low to STRAFOREL] Allow me to introduce you to my friend Pasquinot.
STRAFOREL. [Bowing] Monsieur! [He raises his head and sees no PASQUINOT.]
BERGAMIN. [Pointing to PASQUINOT on the crest of the wall] There, on the wall!--Now, my dear master, does my plan meet with your approval?
STRAFOREL. It does. It is most simple.
BERGAMIN. You must act quickly, you understand?
STRAFOREL. And say nothing!
BERGAMIN. A make-believe abduction and stage-fight with swords.
STRAFOREL. I understand perfectly.
BERGAMIN. You must have skilful swordsmen--I can't have my boy hurt. He is my only child!
STRAFOREL. I will see to that myself.
BERGAMIN. Good. In that case, I shall fear nothing.
PASQUINOT. [Aside to BERGAMIN] Ask him the price?
BERGAMIN. For an abduction, Maestro, how much do you charge?
STRAFOREL. That depends, Monsieur, on the kind you wish; we have them at all prices. In an affair of this kind however, nothing should be spared. If I were in your place, I should have a first-class abduction.
BERGAMIN. [Surprised] Then you have many classes?
STRAFOREL. Indeed I have. I have the ordinary vulgar abduction in a cab, with two men dressed in black--that's rarely used; the daylight abduction, the midnight abduction; the pompous abduction in a court carriage, with powdered servants--wigs are extra--with mutes, negroes, brigands, musketeers, anything you like! The abduction in a post-chaise, with two, three, four, five, horses, ad lib.; the discreet and quiet abduction, in a small carriage-- that one's rather lugubrious; the rollicking abduction, in which the victim is carried away in a sack; the romantic abduction in a boat--but a lake is necessary!--the Venetian abduction, in a gondola--ah, you have no lagoon! Moonlight abduction, or the abduction on a dark and starless night--those moonlight abductions are quite the style, though they are a little dear!--Besides these, there is the abduction by torch-light, with cries and screams, and class and shock of arms; the brutal abduction, the polite abduction; the classical one with masks; the gallant abduction to the accompaniment of music; but the latest, most stylish, gayest of all, is the sedan-chair abduction!
BERGAMIN. [Scratching his head--aside to PASQUINOT] Well, what do you think?
PASQUINOT. Hm, what do you?
BERGAMIN. I think that we should do everything in the best possible way, no expense spared. Let us give our young romancers something they'll not soon forget. Let's have it with masks, dark mantles, torches, music, and a sedan-chair!
STRAFOREL. [Taking notes] A first-class, then, with all extras.
BERGAMIN. That's it.
STRAFOREL. I shall return soon. [To PASQUINOT] Remember, Monsieur, to leave open the door of your park to-night.
BERGAMIN. Very well, it shall be done.
STRAFOREL. [Bowing] My compliments. [Turning to go] One first-class--with extras. [He goes out.]
PASQUINOT. The honest man, he went without telling us the price!
BERGAMIN. Everything is arranged. Now we'll live together, after demolishing the wall.
PASQUINOT. And in winter we'll have but one hearth and home!
BERGAMIN. Our dearest wishes are about to be realized!
PASQUINOT. And we'll grow old together!
BERGAMIN. Dear old Pasquinot!
PASQUINOT. Dear old Bergamin! [They embrace. SYLVETTE and PERCINET enter, from each side of the stage and, seeing their fathers embrace]
SYLVETTE. Oh!
BERGAMIN. [Aside to PASQUINOT] Your daughter!
PERCINET. Oh!
PASQUINOT. [Aside to BERGAMIN] Your son!
BERGAMIN. [Aside to PASQUINOT] We must pretend to fight! [Their embrace is transformed into a struggle.] Rascal!
PASQUINOT. Fool!
SYLVETTE. [Pulling her father's coat-tails] Papa!
PERCINET. [Doing the same with his father] Papa!
BERGAMIN. Let us be!
PASQUINOT. He insulted me!
BERGAMIN. He struck me!
PASQUINOT. Coward!
SYLVETTE. Papa!
BERGAMIN. Thief!
PERCINET. Papa!
PASQUINOT. Bandit!
SYLVETTE. Papa!! [SYLVETTE and PERCINET succeed in separating the fathers.]
PERCINET. [Dragging his father away] Go in now, it's late.
BERGAMIN. [Trying to go to the wall again] I can't control myself. Just let me--! [PERCINET takes him out.]
PASQUINOT. [Also trying to return to the wall] I'll kill him!
SYLVETTE. [Dragging PASQUINOT out] The air is so damp! Think of your rheumatism! [They go