The Red Badge of Courage | Page 8

tle sneering by men who had never believed
the rumor. The tall one fought with a man from Chatfield Corners and
beat him severely.
The youth felt, however, that his problem was in no wise lifted from
him. There was, on the contrary, an irritating prolongation. The tale had
created in him a great concern for himself. Now, with the newborn
question in his mind, he was compelled to sink back into his old place
as part of a blue demonstration.
For days he made ceaseless calculations, but they were all wondrously
unsatisfactory. He found that he could establish nothing. He final- ly
concluded that the only way to prove himself was to go into the blaze,
and then figuratively to
18 watch his legs to discover their merits and faults. He reluctantly
admitted that he could not sit still and with a mental slate and pencil

derive an answer. To gain it, he must have blaze, blood, and danger,
even as a chemist requires this, that, and the other. So he fretted for an
opportunity.
Meanwhile he continually tried to measure himself by his comrades.
The tall soldier, for one, gave him some assurance. This man's se- rene
unconcern dealt him a measure of con- fidence, for he had known him
since childhood, and from his intimate knowledge he did not see how
he could be capable of anything that was beyond him, the youth. Still,
he thought that his comrade might be mistaken about himself. Or, on
the other hand, he might be a man here- tofore doomed to peace and
obscurity, but, in reality, made to shine in war.
The youth would have liked to have discov- ered another who
suspected himself. A sympa- thetic comparison of mental notes would
have been a joy to him.
He occasionally tried to fathom a comrade with seductive sentences. He
looked about to find men in the proper mood. All attempts failed to
bring forth any statement which looked in any way like a confession to
those doubts which he privately acknowledged in himself. He was
afraid to make an open declaration of his concern, because he dreaded
to place some unscrupulous confidant upon the high plane of the
unconfessed from which elevation he could be derided.
In regard to his companions his mind wa- vered between two opinions,
according to his mood. Sometimes he inclined to believing them all
heroes. In fact, he usually admitted in secret the superior development
of the higher qualities in others. He could conceive of men going very
insignificantly about the world bearing a load of courage unseen, and
although he had known many of his comrades through boyhood, he be-
gan to fear that his judgment of them had been blind. Then, in other
moments, he flouted these theories, and assured himself that his fellows
were all privately wondering and quaking.
His emotions made him feel strange in the presence of men who talked
excitedly of a pro- spective battle as of a drama they were about to
witness, with nothing but eagerness and curiosity apparent in their

faces. It was often that he sus- pected them to be liars.
He did not pass such thoughts without severe condemnation of himself.
He dinned reproaches at times. He was convicted by himself of many
shameful crimes against the gods of traditions.
In his great anxiety his heart was continually clamoring at what he
considered the intolerable slowness of the generals. They seemed
content to perch tranquilly on the river bank, and leave him bowed
down by the weight of a great prob- lem. He wanted it settled forthwith.
He could not long bear such a load, he said. Sometimes his anger at the
commanders reached an acute stage, and he grumbled about the camp
like a veteran.
One morning, however, he found himself in the ranks of his prepared
regiment. The men were whispering speculations and recounting the
old rumors. In the gloom before the break of the day their uniforms
glowed a deep purple hue. From across the river the red eyes were still
peering. In the eastern sky there was a yel- low patch like a rug laid for
the feet of the com- ing sun; and against it, black and patternlike,
loomed the gigantic figure of the colonel on a gigantic horse.
From off in the darkness came the trampling of feet. The youth could
occasionally see dark shadows that moved like monsters. The regi-
ment stood at rest for what seemed a long time. The youth grew
impatient. It was unendurable the way these affairs were managed. He
won- dered how long they were to be kept waiting.
As he looked all about him and pondered upon the mystic gloom, he
began to believe that at any moment the ominous distance might