The Pursuit of the House-Boat | Page 2

"But the House-boat itself," murmured Noah, sadly. "That was my
delight. It reminded me in some respects of the Ark."
"The law of compensation enters in there, my dear Commodore,"
retorted Socrates. "For me, with Xanthippe abroad I do not need a club
to go to; I can stay at home and take my hemlock in peace and straight.
Xanthippe always compelled me to dilute it at the rate of one quart of
water to the finger."
"Well, we didn't all marry Xanthippe," put in Cæsar, firmly, "therefore
we are not all satisfied with the situation. I, for one, quite agree with Sir
Walter that something must be done, and quickly. Are we to sit here
and do nothing, allowing that fiend to kidnap our wives with
impunity?"
"Not at all," interposed Bonaparte. "The time for action has arrived. All
things considered he is welcome to Marie Louise, but the idea of
Josephine going off on a cruise of that kind breaks my heart."
"No question about it," observed Dr. Johnson. "We've got to do
something if it is only for the sake of appearances. The question really
is, what shall be done first?"
"I am in favor of taking a drink as the first step, and considering the
matter of further action afterwards," suggested Shakespeare, and it was
this suggestion that made the members unanimous upon the necessity

for immediate action, for when the assembled spirits called for their
various favorite beverages it was found that there were none to be had,
it being Sunday, and all the establishments wherein liquid refreshments
were licensed to be sold being closed--for at the time of writing the
local government of Hades was in the hands of the reform party.
"What!" cried Socrates. "Nothing but Styx water and vitriol, Sundays?
Then the House-boat must be recovered whether Xanthippe comes with
it or not. Sir Walter, I am for immediate action, after all. This ruffian
should be captured at once and made an example of."
"Excuse me, Socrates," put in Lindley Murray, "but, ah--pray speak in
Greek hereafter, will you, please? When you attempt English you have
a beastly way of working up to climatic prepositions which are
offensive to the ear of a purist."
"This is no time to discuss style, Murray," interposed Sir Walter.
"Socrates may speak and spell like Chaucer if he pleases; he may even
part his infinitives in the middle, for all I care. We have affairs of
greater moment in hand."
"We must ransack the earth," cried Socrates, "until we find that boat.
I'm dry as a fish."
"There he goes again!" growled Murray. "Dry as a fish! What fish I'd
like to know is dry?"
"Red herrings," retorted Socrates; and there was a great laugh at the
expense of the purist, in which even Hamlet, who had grown more and
more melancholy and morbid since the abduction of Ophelia, joined.
"Then it is settled," said Raleigh; "something must be done. And now
the point is, what?"
"Relief expeditions have a way of finding things," suggested Dr.
Livingstone. "Or rather of being found by the things they go out to
relieve. I propose that we send out a number of them. I will take Africa;
Bonaparte can lead an expedition into Europe; General Washington

may have North America; and--"
"I beg pardon," put in Dr. Johnson, "but have you any idea, Dr.
Livingstone, that Captain Kidd has put wheels on this House-boat of
ours and is having it dragged across the Sahara by mules or camels?"
"No such absurd idea ever entered my head," retorted the Doctor.
"Do you then believe that he has put runners on it, and is engaged in the
pleasurable pastime of taking the ladies tobogganing down the Alps?"
persisted the philosopher.
"Not at all. Why do you ask?" queried the African explorer, irritably.
"Because I wish to know," said Johnson. "That is always my motive in
asking questions. You propose to go looking for a house-boat in
Central Africa; you suggest that Bonaparte lead an expedition in search
of it through Europe--all of which strikes me as nonsense. This search
is the work of sea-dogs, not of landlubbers. You might as well ask
Confucius to look for it in the heart of China. What earthly use there is
in ransacking the earth I fail to see. What we need is a naval expedition
to scour the sea, unless it is pretty well understood in advance that we
believe Kidd has hauled the boat out of the water, and is now using it
for a roller-skating rink or a bicycle academy in Ohio, or for some other
purpose for which neither he nor it was designed."
"Dr. Johnson's point is well taken," said a stranger who had been sitting
upon the string-piece of the pier,