The Prose Works of Jonathan Swift, D.D., Volume IX | Page 6

reprinted in Edinburgh as soon as possible after its
publication in London, commencing apparently with No. 130, as No.
31 (Edinburgh, James Watson) is dated April 24th, 1710, and
corresponds to No. 160 of the original edition, April 18th, 1710. [T.S.]
THE TATLER, NUMB. 32.
FROM TUESDAY JUNE 21. TO THURSDAY JUNE 23. 1709.
"To ISAAC BICKERSTAFF ESQ;[1]
June 18. 1709.
"SIR,
"I know not whether you ought to pity or laugh at me; for I am fallen
desperately in love with a professed _Platonne_, the most
unaccountable creature of her sex. To hear her talk seraphics, and run
over Norris[2] and More,[3] and Milton,[4] and the whole set of
Intellectual Triflers, torments me heartily; for to a lover who
understands metaphors, all this pretty prattle of ideas gives very fine
views of pleasure, which only the dear declaimer prevents, by
understanding them literally. Why should she wish to be a cherubim,
when it is flesh and blood that makes her adorable? If I speak to her,
that is a high breach of the idea of intuition: If I offer at her hand or lip,
she shrinks from the touch like a sensitive plant, and would contract
herself into mere spirit. She calls her chariot, vehicle; her furbelowed
scarf, pinions; her blue manteau and petticoat is her azure dress; and
her footman goes by the name of Oberon. It is my misfortune to be six
foot and a half high, two full spans between the shoulders, thirteen

inches diameter in the calves; and before I was in love, I had a noble
stomach, and usually went to bed sober with two bottles. I am not quite
six and twenty, and my nose is marked truly aquiline. For these reasons,
I am in a very particular manner her aversion. What shall I do?
Impudence itself cannot reclaim her. If I write miserable, she reckons
me among the children of perdition, and discards me her region: If I
assume the gross and substantial, she plays the real ghost with me, and
vanishes in a moment. I had hopes in the hypocrisy of the sex; but
perseverance makes it as bad as a fixed aversion. I desire your opinion,
Whether I may not lawfully play the inquisition upon her, make use of
a little force, and put her to the rack and the torture, only to convince
her, she has really fine limbs, without spoiling or distorting them. I
expect your directions, ere I proceed to dwindle and fall away with
despair; which at present I don't think advisable, because, if she should
recant, she may then hate me perhaps in the other extreme for my
tenuity. I am (with impatience)
"Your most humble servant,
"CHARLES STURDY."
My patient has put his case with very much warmth, and represented it
in so lively a manner, that I see both his torment and tormentor with
great perspicuity. This order of Platonic ladies are to be dealt with in a
peculiar manner from all the rest of the sex. Flattery is the general way,
and the way in this case; but it is not to be done grossly. Every man that
has wit, and humour, and raillery, can make a good flatterer for woman
in general; but a Platonne is not to be touched with panegyric: she will
tell you, it is a sensuality in the soul to be delighted that way. You are
not therefore to commend, but silently consent to all she does and says.
You are to consider in her the scorn of you is not humour, but opinion.
There were some years since a set of these ladies who were of quality,
and gave out, that virginity was to be their state of life during this
mortal condition, and therefore resolved to join their fortunes, and erect
a nunnery. The place of residence was pitched upon; and a pretty
situation, full of natural falls and risings of waters, with shady coverts,
and flowery arbours, was approved by seven of the founders. There

were as many of our sex who took the liberty to visit those mansions of
intended severity; among others, a famous rake[5] of that time, who
had the grave way to an excellence. He came in first; but upon seeing a
servant coming towards him, with a design to tell him, this was no
place for him or his companions, up goes my grave impudence to the
maid: "Young woman," said he, "if any of the ladies are in the way on
this side of the house, pray carry us on the other side towards the
gardens: we are, you must know, gentlemen that are travelling England;
after which we shall go into foreign parts, where some of us have
already been." Here he bows in the most humble manner, and