The Practice of the Presence of God the Best Rule of a Holy Life | Page 7

days since with a person of piety, he told me
the spiritual life was a life of grace, which begins with servile fear,
which is increased by hope of eternal life, and which is consummated
by pure love. That each of these states had its different stages, by which
one arrives at last at that blessed consummation.
I have not followed all these methods. On the contrary, from I know
not what instincts, I found they discouraged me. This was the reason
why, at my entrance into religion, I took a resolution to give myself up
to GOD, as the best return I could make for His love; and, for the love
of Him, to renounce all besides.
For the first year I commonly employed myself during the time set
apart for devotion with the thought of death, judgment, heaven, hell,
and my sins, Thus continued some years, applying my mind carefully
the rest of the day, and even in the midst of my business, to the
presence of GOD, whom I considered always as with me, often as in
me.
At length I came insensibly to do the same thing during my set time of
prayer, which caused in me great delight and consolation. This practice
produced in me so high an esteem for GOD, that faith alone was
capable to satisfy me in that point.[3]
Such was my beginning; and yet I must tell you that for the first ten
years I suffered much: the apprehension that I was not devoted to GOD
as I wished to be, my past sins always present to my mind, and the
great unmerited favors which GOD did me, were the matter and source
of my sufferings. During this time I fell often, and rose again presently.
It seemed to me that all creatures, reason, and GOD Himself were
against me; and faith alone for me. I was troubled sometimes with
thoughts that to believe I had received such favors was an effect of my
presumption, which pretended to be at once where others arrive with

difficulty; at other times that it was a wilful delusion, and that there was
no salvation for me.
When I thought of nothing but to end my days in these troubles (which
did not at all diminish the trust I had in GOD, and which served only to
increase my faith), I found myself changed all at once; and my soul,
which, till that time, was in trouble, felt a profound inward peace, as if
she were in her centre and place of rest.
Ever since that time I walk before GOD simply, in faith, with humility
and with love; and I apply myself diligently to do nothing and think
nothing which may displease Him. I hope that when I have done what I
can, He will do with me what He pleases.
As for what passes in me at present, I cannot express it. I have no pain
or difficulty about my state, because I have no will but that of GOD,
which I endeavor to accomplish in all things, and to which I am so
resigned that I would not take up a straw from the ground against His
order, or from any other motive than purely that of love to Him.
I have quitted all forms of devotion and set prayers but those to which
my state obliges me. And I make it my business only to persevere in
His holy presence, wherein I keep myself by a simple attention, and a
general fond regard to GOD, which I may call an actual presence of
GOD; or, to speak better, an habitual, silent and secret conversation of
the soul with GOD, which often causes me joys and raptures inwardly,
and sometimes also outwardly, so great, that I am forced to use means
to moderate them and prevent their appearance to others.
In short, I am assured beyond all doubt that my soul has been with
GOD above these thirty years. I pass over many things that I may not
be tedious to you, yet I think it proper to inform you after what manner
I consider myself before GOD, whom I behold as my King.
I consider myself as the most wretched of men, full of sores and
corruption, and who has committed all sorts of crimes against his King;
touched with a sensible regret, I confess to him all my wickedness, I
ask His forgiveness, I abandon myself in His hands that He may do
what he pleases with me. The King, full of mercy and goodness, very
far from chastising me, embraces me with love, makes me eat at His
table, serves me with His own hands, gives me the key of His treasures;
He converses and delights Himself with me incessantly,