The Pot Boiler | Page 7

Dad--
Dad. Look at him! A hundred and eighty dollars I pay to a Broadway tailor to make this young hopeful an overcoat, and look at what he does with it! I prepare a birthday party, and invite all his friends, and see the condition in which he comes to welcome them! Do you wonder my patience is exhausted? Do you wonder--
Jessie. Dad, you don't understand!
Dad. No, I don't understand! How could I be expected to understand? How can an old man hope to keep up with a youth so brilliant--a youth who goes to college and ties firecrackers to the tails of goats! A youth who comes on his birthday looking like a tramp--
Jessie. Listen, Dad--this is a joke--
Dad. Everything's a joke to my son! But I tell you I'm tired of his jokes. I mean to make him understand that his days of tomfoolery are over! Do you realize it--here he is, twenty-one years of age, when he should be coming into possession of the fortune his mother left him--and he's tying fire-crackers to the tails of goats! And I--I am trustee of the money, and have to decide whether he's fit to have it or not! I know that if I give it to him I ruin him for life--I start him on a career of drunkenness and idleness! Look at him as he stands there--and imagine him the owner of a quarter of a million dollars! And under his mother's will the only choice I have is to give it to him, or turn it over to a Home for Cats!
Jessie. Please, Dad!
Dad. Can I honestly say that one is more foolish than the other? Wouldn't I be helping him if I gave the money to the cats, and let my son go out and earn his living as best he can? Let him go down to my office and earn his twelve dollars a week, the same as any other young jackass--
Jack (stepping forward). Dad, don't you really think it's time you let me get a word in?
Dad. I'm tired of your words, young man.
Jack. You won't be troubled with them any more. I'm going to take myself out of your way. I don't want your quarter of a million dollars, and I don't want your twelve a week.
Dad. Indeed, sir! And what may this mean?
Jack. It means that I'm going out into the world as a hobo.
Dad. What?
Jack. That's it!
Dad. Clever! Upon my word, a clever scheme! (To the others.) Look at him! The nerve of him! He knows he's misbehaved, and that I'll be angry--so he goes and puts on a masquerade costume, and tries to frighten me with a threat of turning hobo!
Jessie. Dad, it isn't that! He means to go!
Dad. I don't doubt that he means to go! But how long do you think he means to stay?
Jack. Six months, Dad.
Dad (scornfully). Six months! It won't be six days before I'll he getting bills to pay for you!
Jack. You'll get no bills from me, Dad. I'm not going to use your name.
Dad. How long will it he before I hear you've been borrowing money from your friends?
Bob. You must listen, Dad. Jack and I are making a wager. He's to go out in my hobo clothes and he's not to use his own name--he's not to see any of his old friends, nor to communicate with them. He's to depend absolutely on his own efforts--to shift for himself for six months. That's the bargain.
Dad. And do you imagine he'll keep it?
Bob. I believe he'll try.
Dad (gazes from one to the other; then with sudden vehemence). Very well! You can let me in on that bargain!
Jack. How do you mean?
Dad. Make your wager with me--I'll give you a stake to play for! A stake that will make the game worth while!
Jack. What stake, Dad?
Dad. A quarter of a million dollars! Your mother's property.
Jessie. Dad!
Dad. I mean what I say! As God is my witness, I'll stand by what I say! You go out of here to-night with your hobo clothes and you shift for yourself for six months. If I find out that you've told a soul whose son you are, or that you've used my name or your own name to get a cent of money or a job, or even so much as a ham sandwich; or if you come home before the six months is up, or write to one of us, or to any one else for help--as sure as I live, it will cost you a quarter of a million dollars.
Jessie. Dad, that is wicked.
Dad. It will cost him a quarter of a million dollars! I'll take the money the same day and turn it over to the Home for Cats! Do you get that, young man?
Jack. Yes,