The Mothers Recompense, Volume I. | Page 2

did not follow your advice, dear
Mary, but indulged them till, of course, they became so heightened that
the last month of our sojourn at Oakwood was embittered by the
anticipation. I saw you thought me foolish, and I knew that mamma and

papa's plans could not be altered to please my fancy, and that my
confessed distaste to them would give pain to both: therefore, I
concealed my dislike, but instead of doing all I could to conquer it,
encouraged every gloomy anticipation to the very utmost. I found,
during our delightful tour through the south of England, I could enjoy
myself, but still the thoughts of London, and masters, and strangers,
and the fancy our style of living would be so different in the metropolis
to what it was in Oakwood, and that I should not see nearly as much of
mamma, all chose to come, like terrifying spectres, to scare away the
present pleasure.
We visited Oxford, although completely out of our way, in order that
we might see the residence of my brothers. There Percy's wild mirth
and eloquent descriptions partly banished my ill-humour, but as I
neared London all my fancied evils returned to me again. When we first
arrived, which was in September, this huge city was, comparatively
speaking, a desert; for all the fashionables were out ruralizing. Mamma
was not, I believe, sorry for this, for she wished us to have full six or
seven months' hard study before she entered at all into society. Ellen
and I, of course, will have more, but Caroline is to make her regular
_entrée_ in March or April, and therefore must be drilled accordingly.
First-rate masters were instantly engaged; indeed, papa had written to
many before we arrived, that no time should be lost, and as almost all
their pupils were from London, we had the choice of hours, which was
very agreeable, although at that time I did not feel inclined to think
anything agreeable, being accustomed to no instruction save that
bestowed by Miss Harcourt and mamma; professors of music, drawing,
French, Italian, German (which Caroline is seized with a violent fancy
to acquire, and which I deign to learn, because I should like to read
Klopstock in the original), and even what I term a lady professor of
embroidery, which Caroline has succeeded in tormenting mamma to let
her have--entre nous, it is only because she has taught Annie Grahame;
all these, my dear Mary, presented a most formidable array, and for the
first month I did not choose to profit by their instructions in the least. I
gave full vent to all the dislike I felt to them. I encouraged indolence to
a degree that frequently occasioned a reproof from Miss Harcourt. I
could not bear their mode of teaching; the attention so many things

required was in my present state a most painful exertion, and I almost
made an inward determination to show mamma that all her endeavours
were lost on me. I would not learn when everything was so changed.
Do not throw away my letter in despair of your friend, dearest Mary;
only read to the end, and perhaps my character may be in some
measure redeemed. There was a weight on my spirits I could not,
because I would not, remove. I became ill-tempered and petulant
without cause; before papa and mamma I tried to restrain it, but did not
always succeed. Percy and Herbert both spoke to me on this
unwarrantable change; and I think almost for the first time in my life I
saw Percy seriously angry with me, for I had even shown my irritation
at his interference. I told him I had a right to act and feel as I pleased.
Herbert looked sorry, and desisted in his reasonings when he found I
would not listen. Percy's evident irritation and the reproaches of my
own conscience added not a little to my uncomfortable feelings, as you
may suppose. I looked back to what I had been at Oakwood, and the
contrast of my past and present self really gave me much cause for
misery. It was just before my brothers returned to college I wrote to
you a long, very long letter, in which I gave more than enough vent to
my silly, I should say sinful feelings. Several hours I had employed in
its composition, and to obtain these, neglected my exercises, etc, for
my masters, and caused more than one for several days to make a
formal complaint of my indolence and carelessness to Miss Harcourt.
Her remonstrances, I am ashamed to confess, only had the effect of
increasing my ill-temper. Well; I concluded at length my epistle to you,
which, had you received it, would have been a trial of patience indeed;
for