The Master of Mrs Chilvers | Page 6

large, strong-featured woman, with a naturally loud voice. She is dressed with studied carelessness. DORIAN ST. HERBERT, K.C., is a tall, thin man, about thirty. He is elegantly, almost dandily dressed.]
ANNYS [Kissing her mother.] Have you had lunch?
LADY MOGTON In the train.
PHOEBE [Who has also kissed her mother and shaken hands with ST. HERBERT.] We are all here except Villiers. She's coming. Did you have a good meeting?
LADY MOGTON Fairly. Some young fool had chained himself to a pillar and thrown the key out of window.
PHOEBE What did you do?
LADY MOGTON Tied a sack over his head and left him there.
[She turns aside for a moment to talk to ST. HERBERT, who has taken some papers from his despatch-box.]
ANNYS [To ELIZABETH.] We must finish out our talk some other time. You are quite wrong.
ELIZABETH Perhaps.
LADY MOGTON We had better begin. I have only got half an hour.
JANET I saw Mrs. Villiers. She promised she'd come.
LADY MOGTON You should have told her we were going to be photographed. Then she'd have been punctual. [She has taken her seat at the table. ST. HERBERT at her right.] Better put another chair in case she does turn up.
JANET [Does so.] Shall I take any notes?
LADY MOGTON No. [To ANNYS.] Give instructions that we are not to be interrupted for anything. [ANNYS rings bell.]
ST. HERBERT [He turns to PHOEBE, on his right.] Have you heard the latest?
There was an old man of Hong Kong, Whose language was terribly strong.
[Enter HAKE. He brings a bottle and glass, which he places.]
ANNYS Oh, Hake, please, don't let us be interrupted for anything. If Mrs. Mountcalm-Villiers comes, show her up. But nobody else.
HAKE Yes, ma'am.
ST. HERBERT [Continuing.]
It wasn't the words That frightened the birds, 'Twas the 'orrible double-entendre.
LADY MOGTON [Who has sat waiting in grim silence.] Have you finished?
ST. HERBERT Quite finished.
LADY MOGTON Thank you. [She raps for silence.] You will understand, please, all, that this is a private meeting of the Council. Nothing that transpires is to be allowed to leak out. [There is a murmur.] Silence, please, for Mr. St. Herbert.
ST. HERBERT Before we begin, I should like to remind you, ladies, that you are, all of you, persons mentally deficient -
[The door opens. MRS. MOUNTCALM-VILLIERS enters, announced by HAKE. She is a showily-dressed, flamboyant lady.]
[HAKE goes out.]
MRS. MOUNTCALM-VILLIERS I AM so sorry. I have only just this minute--[She catches sight of ST. HERBERT.] You naughty creature, why weren't you at my meeting last night? The Rajah came with both his wives. We've elected them, all three, honorary members.
LADY MOGTON Do you mind sitting down?
MRS. MOUNTCALM-VILLIERS Here, dear? [She takes the vacant chair.] So nice of you. I read about your meeting. What a clever idea!
LADY MOGTON [Cuts her short.] Yes. We are here to consider a very important matter. By way of commencement Mr. St. Herbert has just reminded us that in the eye of the law all women are imbeciles.
MRS. MOUNTCALM-VILLIERS I know, dear. Isn't it shocking?
ST. HERBERT Deplorable; but of course not your fault. I mention it because of its importance to the present matter. Under Clause A of the Act for the Better Regulation, &c., &c., all persons "mentally deficient" are debarred from becoming members of Parliament. The classification has been held to include idiots, infants, and women.
[An interruption. LADY MOGTON hammers.]
Bearing this carefully in mind, we proceed. [He refers to his notes.] Two years ago a bye-election took place for the South-west division of Belfast.
MRS. MOUNTCALM-VILLIERS My dear, may I? It has just occurred to me. Why do we never go to Ireland?
LADY MOGTON For various sufficient reasons.
MRS. MOUNTCALM-VILLIERS So many of the Irish members have expressed themselves quite sympathetically.
LADY MOGTON We wish them to continue to do so. [Turns to ST. HERBERT.] I'm sorry.
ST. HERBERT A leader of the Orange Party was opposed by a Nationalist, and the proceedings promised to be lively. They promised for a while to be still livelier, owing to the nomination at the last moment of the local lunatic.
PHOEBE [To ANNYS.] This is where we come in.
ST. HERBERT There is always a local lunatic, who, if harmless, is generally a popular character. James Washington McCaw appears to have been a particularly cheerful specimen. One of his eccentricities was to always have a skipping-rope in his pocket; wherever the traffic allowed it, he would go through the streets skipping. He said it kept him warm. Another of his tricks was to let off fireworks from the roof of his house whenever he heard of the death of anybody of importance. The Returning Officer refused his nomination--which, so far as his nominators were concerned, was intended only as a joke--on the grounds of his being by common report a person of unsound mind. And there, so far as South-west Belfast was concerned, the matter ended.
PHOEBE Pity.
ST. HERBERT