The Love Sonnets of a Car Conductor | Page 3

pinched my fare."?That get-back tripped your Oswald to the mat,?And yet I yelled, "Cough up here, Golden Hair!"?Eh, what? I got the zing from Pansy's orb?Which says, "Dry out now, Shorty, - please absorb!"
II
A True McGlook once handed this to me:?When little Bright Eyes cuts the cake for you?Count twenty ere you eat the honey-goo?Which leads to love and matrimony - see??A small-change bunk what's bats on spending free?Can't four-flush when he's paying rent for two.?The pin to flash on Cupid is 'Skidoo!'?The call for Sweet Sixteen is 23."
But say! Life looks goshawful on the stretch?Without a Ray of Sunshine in my flat,?With no one there to call me "Handsome wretch,"?And dust the fuzz and mildew off my hat.?If she was waiting at the church tonight?You'd find me there with wedding-bells all right!
III
Pansy got on at Sixteenth Street last night,?And some one flipped a handspring in my heart.?She snickered once, "Oh look, here's Mr. Smart!"?Was I there Henry Miller? guess you're right!?I did the homerun monologue as bright?As any scrub that ever learned the art.?I plum forgot the signals, "Stop" and "Start!"?And almost wrecked the car once - guess I might!
I took one Mike six blocks beyond the place?He flagged for his. He got as red as ham?And yodelled through his apopleptic face,?"I think you're dips!" I says, "I know I am - "?When Pansy starts to send a wireless wave?She simply just can't make her eyes behave!
IV
On every car there's always one fat coot?What goes to sleep and dreams he's paid his fare.?And when you squeak he gets the Roosevelt glare,?And hoots, "I won't be dickied with - I'll shoot!"?Then all the passengers get in and root.?Loud cheers of, "Put him off!" and "Make him square!"?Till Mr. Holdfast with an injured air?Pungles his nick and ends the bum dispute.
It's ever thus on this here rolling ball -?You've got to pop your coin to ride so far.?The yap that kicks and rings a deadhead call?Must either spend or else get off the car.?On Life's Street Railway wealth may cut the cheese,?But Death rings up and says, "Step lively, please!"
V
"There'll be some fancy steps at Car-Barn Hall,"?Gilly the Gripman pipes me off today,?"This won't be any gabberfest - for say!?Nix but the candy goes to this here ball.?You've got to flash your union card, that's all,?To circulate the maze with Tessie May,?And all the Newport push out Harlem way?Will slip on wax till sunrise, - do you call?"
I told him that I pulled the gong for that!?If Pansy would be there 'twas was Me for It.?I'd burnish up my buttons, mop my hat,?Polish my pumps and blow in for a hit.?"All to the Fritz," says Gill, "if you get jolly?Around the curves - you're apt to slip your trolley!"
VI
The lemon-wagon rumbled by today?And dropped me off a sour one - are you on??I went and gave the boss a cooney con?About the Car-Barn Kick - what did he say??"Back to your platform, Clarence light and gay,?Jingle the jocund fares, nor think upon?The larks of Harry Lehr or Bath House John,?For they are It and you are still on pay."
So I have been sky-prancing all night long?A-dragging car-conductors and their queens?Clad in their laughing-robes to join the throng?That makes the Car-Barn function all the beans.?And say! I had a brainstorm just last trip?When I took Pansy's fare from Gill the Grip.
VII
At Midnight when I got a gasp for lunch?I mushed it for the Car-Barns just to lamp?And see the Creamy Charlies do the vamp?And swing their Fancy Floras in the crunch.?I piped my Pansy in among the bunch?And asked her would she mix it with the Champ,?Wouldn't she like to join me in a stamp??She saw me first and stopped me with a punch.
I saw her hook a loop with Gill the Grip,?With Pinky Smith and Handsome Hank she heeled;?With all the dossy bunks she took a skip?Each time the German tune-professor spieled.?But nix with me the lightsome toe she sprung -?As Caesar said to Cassius, "Ouch! I'm stung!"
VIII
Forsooth that was a passing lusty clout?That chopped me off with Pansy - don't you fret!?There's quite a blaze inside my garret yet,?And all the Dipper Corps can't put it out.?Gilly the Grip's a pretty ricky tout -?Under the old rag-rug for him, you bet,?When I put on my Navajo and get?One license to unloose my soul and shout.
Perhaps he thinks I'm old Molasses Freight?Sidetracked at Pokey Pond and filled with prunes?Waiting for Congress to appropriate?The nuggets draped around me in festoons.?Wait till I ticket Pansy, then I guess?Slow Freight will switch to Honeymoon Express!
IX
Today I gave a serenade to Gill;?I says, "To put it pleasant you're a screech,?Your smile would shoo the seagulls off the beach,?Your face would give Vesuvius a chill.?You're just what Mr. Shakespeare calls 'a pill?Trying to keep company with