The Love Sonnets of a Car Conductor | Page 3

the
shapely ticket pretty fine!
Next to her pattern Anna Held looks shine

And Lilly Russell doesn't know the grip.
But oh! she's got a deep
ingrowing tip
That she must shy at honks like yours and mine.
I says to her, "Fare, please!" out loud like that,
But she pipes, "Fade,
Bill, fade! you pinched my fare."
That get-back tripped your Oswald
to the mat,
And yet I yelled, "Cough up here, Golden Hair!"
Eh,
what? I got the zing from Pansy's orb
Which says, "Dry out now,
Shorty, - please absorb!"
II
A True McGlook once handed this to me:
When little Bright Eyes

cuts the cake for you
Count twenty ere you eat the honey-goo

Which leads to love and matrimony - see?
A small-change bunk
what's bats on spending free
Can't four-flush when he's paying rent
for two.
The pin to flash on Cupid is 'Skidoo!'
The call for Sweet
Sixteen is 23."
But say! Life looks goshawful on the stretch
Without a Ray of
Sunshine in my flat,
With no one there to call me "Handsome
wretch,"
And dust the fuzz and mildew off my hat.
If she was
waiting at the church tonight
You'd find me there with wedding-bells
all right!
III
Pansy got on at Sixteenth Street last night,
And some one flipped a
handspring in my heart.
She snickered once, "Oh look, here's Mr.
Smart!"
Was I there Henry Miller? guess you're right!
I did the
homerun monologue as bright
As any scrub that ever learned the art.

I plum forgot the signals, "Stop" and "Start!"
And almost wrecked
the car once - guess I might!
I took one Mike six blocks beyond the place
He flagged for his. He
got as red as ham
And yodelled through his apopleptic face,
"I think
you're dips!" I says, "I know I am - "
When Pansy starts to send a
wireless wave
She simply just can't make her eyes behave!
IV
On every car there's always one fat coot
What goes to sleep and
dreams he's paid his fare.
And when you squeak he gets the Roosevelt
glare,
And hoots, "I won't be dickied with - I'll shoot!"
Then all the
passengers get in and root.
Loud cheers of, "Put him off!" and "Make
him square!"
Till Mr. Holdfast with an injured air
Pungles his nick
and ends the bum dispute.

It's ever thus on this here rolling ball -
You've got to pop your coin to
ride so far.
The yap that kicks and rings a deadhead call
Must either
spend or else get off the car.
On Life's Street Railway wealth may cut
the cheese,
But Death rings up and says, "Step lively, please!"
V
"There'll be some fancy steps at Car-Barn Hall,"
Gilly the Gripman
pipes me off today,
"This won't be any gabberfest - for say!
Nix but
the candy goes to this here ball.
You've got to flash your union card,
that's all,
To circulate the maze with Tessie May,
And all the
Newport push out Harlem way
Will slip on wax till sunrise, - do you
call?"
I told him that I pulled the gong for that!
If Pansy would be there
'twas was Me for It.
I'd burnish up my buttons, mop my hat,
Polish
my pumps and blow in for a hit.
"All to the Fritz," says Gill, "if you
get jolly
Around the curves - you're apt to slip your trolley!"
VI
The lemon-wagon rumbled by today
And dropped me off a sour one -
are you on?
I went and gave the boss a cooney con
About the
Car-Barn Kick - what did he say?
"Back to your platform, Clarence
light and gay,
Jingle the jocund fares, nor think upon
The larks of
Harry Lehr or Bath House John,
For they are It and you are still on
pay."
So I have been sky-prancing all night long
A-dragging car-conductors
and their queens
Clad in their laughing-robes to join the throng

That makes the Car-Barn function all the beans.
And say! I had a
brainstorm just last trip
When I took Pansy's fare from Gill the Grip.
VII

At Midnight when I got a gasp for lunch
I mushed it for the
Car-Barns just to lamp
And see the Creamy Charlies do the vamp

And swing their Fancy Floras in the crunch.
I piped my Pansy in
among the bunch
And asked her would she mix it with the Champ,

Wouldn't she like to join me in a stamp?
She saw me first and
stopped me with a punch.
I saw her hook a loop with Gill the Grip,
With Pinky Smith and
Handsome Hank she heeled;
With all the dossy bunks she took a skip

Each time the German tune-professor spieled.
But nix with me the
lightsome toe she sprung -
As Caesar said to Cassius, "Ouch! I'm
stung!"
VIII
Forsooth that was a passing lusty clout
That chopped me off with
Pansy - don't you fret!
There's quite a blaze inside my garret yet,

And all the Dipper Corps can't put it out.
Gilly the Grip's a pretty
ricky tout -
Under the old rag-rug for him, you bet,
When I put on
my Navajo and get
One license to unloose my soul and shout.
Perhaps he thinks I'm old Molasses Freight
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