The Inspector-General | Page 8

to tell you an
unpleasant piece of news. An Inspector-General is coming.
AMMOS FIOD. What, an Inspector-General?

ARTEMY FIL. What, an Inspector-General?
GOVERNOR. Yes, an Inspector from St. Petersburg, incognito. And
with secret instructions, too.
AMMOS. A pretty how-do-you-do!
ARTEMY. As if we hadn't enough trouble without an Inspector!
LUKA LUKICH. Good Lord! With secret instructions!
GOVERNOR. I had a sort of presentiment of it. Last night I kept
dreaming of two rats--regular monsters! Upon my word, I never saw
the likes of them--black and supernaturally big. They came in, sniffed,
and then went away.-- Here's a letter I'll read to you--from Andrey
Ivanovich. You know him, Artemy Filippovich. Listen to what he
writes: "My dear friend, godfather and benefactor--[He mumbles,
glancing rapidly down the page.]--and to let you know"-- Ah, that's it--
"I hasten to let you know, among other things, that an official has
arrived here with instructions to inspect the whole government, and
your district especially. [Raises his finger significantly.] I have learned
of his being here from highly trustworthy sources, though he pretends
to be a private person. So, as you have your little peccadilloes, you
know, like everybody else--you are a sensible man, and you don't let
the good things that come your way slip by--" [Stopping] H'm, that's his
junk --"I advise you to take precautions, as he may arrive any hour, if
he hasn't already, and is not staying somewhere incognito.
--Yesterday--" The rest are family matters. "Sister Anna Krillovna is
here visiting us with her husband. Ivan Krillovich has grown very fat
and is always playing the fiddle"--et cetera, et cetera. So there you have
the situation we are confronted with, gentlemen.
AMMOS. An extraordinary situation, most extraordinary! Something
behind it, I am sure.
LUKA. But why, Anton Antonovich? What for? Why should we have
an Inspector?
GOVERNOR. It's fate, I suppose. [Sighs.] Till now, thank goodness,
they have been nosing about in other towns. Now our turn has come.
AMMOS. My opinion is, Anton Antonovich, that the cause is a deep
one and rather political in character. It means this, that
Russia--yes--that Russia intends to go to war, and the Government has
secretly commissioned an official to find out if there is any treasonable
activity anywhere.

GOVERNOR. The wise man has hit on the very thing. Treason in this
little country town! As if it were on the frontier! Why, you might gallop
three years away from here and reach nowhere.
AMMOS. No, you don't catch on--you don't-- The Government is
shrewd. It makes no difference that our town is so remote. The
Government is on the look-out all the same--
GOVERNOR [cutting him short]. On the look-out, or not on the
look-out, anyhow, gentlemen, I have given you warning. I have made
some arrangements for myself, and I advise you to do the same. You
especially, Artemy Filippovich. This official, no doubt, will want first
of all to inspect your department. So you had better see to it that
everything is in order, that the night-caps are clean, and the patients
don't go about as they usually do, looking as grimy as blacksmiths.
ARTEMY. Oh, that's a small matter. We can get night-caps easily
enough.
GOVERNOR. And over each bed you might hang up a placard stating
in Latin or some other language--that's your end of it, Christian
Ivanovich--the name of the disease, when the patient fell ill, the day of
the week and the month. And I don't like your invalids to be smoking
such strong tobacco. It makes you sneeze when you come in. It would
be better, too, if there weren't so many of them. If there are a large
number, it will instantly be ascribed to bad supervision or incompetent
medical treatment.
ARTEMY. Oh, as to treatment, Christian Ivanovich and I have worked
out our own system. Our rule is: the nearer to nature the better. We use
no expensive medicines. A man is a simple affair. If he dies, he'd die
anyway. If he gets well, he'd get well anyway. Besides, the doctor
would have a hard time making the patients understand him. He doesn't
know a word of Russian.
The Doctor gives forth a sound intermediate between M and A.
GOVERNOR. And you, Ammos Fiodorovich, had better look to the
courthouse. The attendants have turned the entrance hall where the
petitioners usually wait into a poultry yard, and the geese and goslings
go poking their beaks between people's legs. Of course, setting up
housekeeping is commendable, and there is no reason why a porter
shouldn't do it. Only, you see, the courthouse is not exactly the place
for it. I had meant to tell you so before, but somehow it escaped my

memory.
AMMOS. Well, I'll have them all taken into the kitchen to-day. Will
you come