The Inca of Perusalem | Page 8

except perhaps to the man.
THE PRINCESS. It's too dreadful to think of. I wonder you can be so coarse. I really don't think you'll suit. I feel sure now that you know more about men than you should.
ERMYNTRUDE. I am a widow, Your Highness.
THE PRINCESS [overwhelmed]. Oh, I BEG your pardon. Of course I ought to have known you would not have spoken like that if you were not married. That makes it all right, doesn't it? I'm so sorry.
The Manager returns, white, scared, hardly able to speak.
THE MANAGER. Your Highness, an officer asks to see you on behalf of the Inca of Perusalem.
THE PRINCESS [rising distractedly]. Oh, I can't, really. Oh, what shall I do?
THE MANAGER. On important business, he says, Your Highness. Captain Duval.
ERMYNTRUDE. Duval! Nonsense! The usual thing. It is the Inca himself, incognito.
THE PRINCESS. Oh, send him away. Oh, I'm so afraid of the Inca. I'm not properly dressed to receive him; and he is so particular: he would order me to stay in my room for a week. Tell him to call tomorrow: say I'm ill in bed. I can't: I won't: I daren't: you must get rid of him somehow.
ERMYNTRUDE. Leave him to me, Your Highness.
THE PRINCESS. You'd never dare!
ERMYNTRUDE. I am an Englishwoman, Your Highess, and perfectly capable of tackling ten Incas if necessary. I will arrange the matter. [To the Manager.] Show Her Highness to her bedroom; and then show Captain Duval in here.
THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you so much. [She goes to the door. Ermyntrude, noticing that she has left her hat and gloves on the table, runs after her with them.] Oh, THANK you. And oh, please, if I must have one of his sons, I should like a fair one that doesn't shave, with soft hair and a beard. I couldn't bear being kissed by a bristly person. [She runs out, the Manager bowing as she passes. He follows her.]
Ermyntrude whips off her waterproof; hides it; and gets herself swiftly into perfect trim at the mirror, before the Manager, with a large jewel case in his hand, returns, ushering in the Inca.
THE MANAGER. Captain Duval.
The Inca, in military uniform, advances with a marked and imposing stage walk; stops; orders the trembling Manager by a gesture to place the jewel case on the table; dismisses him with a frown; touches his helmet graciously to Ermyntrude; and takes off his cloak.
THE INCA. I beg you, madam, to be quite at your ease, and to speak to me without ceremony.
ERMYNTRUDE [moving haughtily and carelessly to the table]. I hadn't the slightest intention of treating you with ceremony. [She sits down: a liberty which gives him a perceptible shock.] I am quite at a loss to imagine why I should treat a perfect stranger named Duval: a captain! almost a subaltern! with the smallest ceremony.
THE INCA. That is true. I had for the moment forgotten my position.
ERMYNTRUDE. It doesn't matter. You may sit down.
THE INCA [frowning.] What!
ERMYNTRUDE. I said, you...may...sit...down.
THE INCA. Oh. [His moustache droops. He sits down.]
ERMYNTRUDE. What is your business?
THE INCA. I come on behalf of the Inca of Perusalem.
ERMYNTRUDE. The Allerhochst?
THE INCA. Precisely.
ERMYNTRUDE. I wonder does he feel ridiculous when people call him the Allerhochst.
THE INCA [surprised]. Why should he? He IS the Allerhochst.
ERMYNTRUDE. Is he nice looking?
THE INCA. I--er. Er--I. I--er. I am not a good judge.
ERMYNTRUDE. They say he takes himself very seriously.
THE INCA. Why should he not, madam? Providence has entrusted to his family the care of a mighty empire. He is in a position of half divine, half paternal, responsibility towards sixty millions of people, whose duty it is to die for him at the word of command. To take himself otherwise than seriously would be blasphemous. It is a punishable offence--severely punishable--in Perusalem. It is called Incadisparagement.
ERMYNTRUDE. How cheerful! Can he laugh?
THE INCA. Certainly, madam. [He laughs, harshly and mirthlessly.] Ha ha! Ha ha ha!
ERMYNTRUDE [frigidly]. I asked could the Inca laugh. I did not ask could you laugh.
THE INCA. That is true, madam. [Chuckling.] Devilish amusing, that! [He laughs, genially and sincerely, and becomes a much more agreeable person.] Pardon me: I am now laughing because I cannot help it. I am amused. The other was merely an imitation: a failure, I admit.
ERMYNTRUDE. You intimated that you had some business?
THE INCA [producing a very large jewel case, and relapsing into solemnity. I am instructed by the Allerhochst to take a careful note of your features and figure, and, if I consider them satisfactory, to present you with this trifling token of His Imperial Majesty's regard. I do consider them satisfactory. Allow me [he opens the jewel case and presents it.]
ERMYNTRUDE [staring at the contents]. What awful taste he must have! I can't wear that.
THE INCA [reddening]. Take care, madam! This brooch was designed by