The Importance of Being Earnest | Page 7

practice. I know my brother Gerald does. All
my girl-friends tell me so. What wonderfully blue eyes you have, Ernest! They are quite,
quite, blue. I hope you will always look at me just like that, especially when there are
other people present. [Enter Lady Bracknell.]
Lady Bracknell. Mr. Worthing! Rise, sir, from this semi-recumbent posture. It is most
indecorous.
Gwendolen. Mamma! [He tries to rise; she restrains him.] I must beg you to retire. This is
no place for you. Besides, Mr. Worthing has not quite finished yet.

Lady Bracknell. Finished what, may I ask?
Gwendolen. I am engaged to Mr. Worthing, mamma. [They rise together.]
Lady Bracknell. Pardon me, you are not engaged to any one. When you do become
engaged to some one, I, or your father, should his health permit him, will inform you of
the fact. An engagement should come on a young girl as a surprise, pleasant or
unpleasant, as the case may be. It is hardly a matter that she could be allowed to arrange
for herself . . . And now I have a few questions to put to you, Mr. Worthing. While I am
making these inquiries, you, Gwendolen, will wait for me below in the carriage.
Gwendolen. [Reproachfully.] Mamma!
Lady Bracknell. In the carriage, Gwendolen! [Gwendolen goes to the door. She and Jack
blow kisses to each other behind Lady Bracknell's back. Lady Bracknell looks vaguely
about as if she could not understand what the noise was. Finally turns round.] Gwendolen,
the carriage!
Gwendolen. Yes, mamma. [Goes out, looking back at Jack.]
Lady Bracknell. [Sitting down.] You can take a seat, Mr. Worthing.
[Looks in her pocket for note-book and pencil.]
Jack. Thank you, Lady Bracknell, I prefer standing.
Lady Bracknell. [Pencil and note-book in hand.] I feel bound to tell you that you are not
down on my list of eligible young men, although I have the same list as the dear Duchess
of Bolton has. We work together, in fact. However, I am quite ready to enter your name,
should your answers be what a really affectionate mother requires. Do you smoke?
Jack. Well, yes, I must admit I smoke.
Lady Bracknell. I am glad to hear it. A man should always have an occupation of some
kind. There are far too many idle men in London as it is. How old are you?
Jack. Twenty-nine.
Lady Bracknell. A very good age to be married at. I have always been of opinion that a
man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing. Which do you
know?
Jack. [After some hesitation.] I know nothing, Lady Bracknell.
Lady Bracknell. I am pleased to hear it. I do not approve of anything that tampers with
natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone.
The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately in England, at
any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever. If it did, it would prove a serious

danger to the upper classes, and probably lead to acts of violence in Grosvenor Square.
What is your income?
Jack. Between seven and eight thousand a year.
Lady Bracknell. [Makes a note in her book.] In land, or in investments?
Jack. In investments, chiefly.
Lady Bracknell. That is satisfactory. What between the duties expected of one during
one's lifetime, and the duties exacted from one after one's death, land has ceased to be
either a profit or a pleasure. It gives one position, and prevents one from keeping it up.
That's all that can be said about land.
Jack. I have a country house with some land, of course, attached to it, about fifteen
hundred acres, I believe; but I don't depend on that for my real income. In fact, as far as I
can make out, the poachers are the only people who make anything out of it.
Lady Bracknell. A country house! How many bedrooms? Well, that point can be cleared
up afterwards. You have a town house, I hope? A girl with a simple, unspoiled nature,
like Gwendolen, could hardly be expected to reside in the country.
Jack. Well, I own a house in Belgrave Square, but it is let by the year to Lady Bloxham.
Of course, I can get it back whenever I like, at six months' notice.
Lady Bracknell. Lady Bloxham? I don't know her.
Jack. Oh, she goes about very little. She is a lady considerably advanced in years.
Lady Bracknell. Ah, nowadays that is no guarantee of respectability of character. What
number in Belgrave Square?
Jack. 149.
Lady Bracknell. [Shaking her head.] The unfashionable side. I thought there was
something. However, that could easily be altered.
Jack. Do you mean the fashion, or the side?
Lady Bracknell. [Sternly.] Both, if necessary, I