The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy | Page 4

sort of
ying saucers he was looking for.
"Green ones!" he would reply with a wicked grin, laugh wildly for a
moment and then suddenly lunge for the nearest bar and buy an enormous
round of drinks. Evenings like this usually ended badly. Ford would get out of his skull
on whisky, huddle into a corner with some girl and explain to her in slurred
phrases that honestly the colour of the
ying saucers didn't matter that much
really. Thereafter, staggering semi-paralytic down the night streets he would of-
ten ask passing policemen if they knew the way to Betelgeuse. The policemen
would usually say something like, "Don't you think it's about time you went
o home sir?" "I'm trying to baby, I'm trying to," is what Ford invariably replied on
these occasions. In fact what he was really looking out for when he stared distractedly into
the night sky was any kind of
ying saucer at all. The reason he said green
was that green was the traditional space livery of the Betelgeuse trading
scouts. Ford Prefect was desperate that any
ying saucer at all would arrive soon
because fteen years was a long time to get stranded anywhere, particularly
somewhere as mindboggingly dull as the Earth.
8

Ford wished that a
ying saucer would arrive soon because he knew how
to
ag
ying saucers down and get lifts from them. He knew how to see the
Marvels of the Universe for less than thirty Altairan dollars a day.
In fact, Ford Prefect was a roving researcher for that wholly remarkable
book The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy .
Human beings are great adaptors, and by lunchtime life in the environs
of Arthur's house had settled into a steady routine. It was Arthur's accepted
role to lie squelching in the mud making occasional demands to see his lawyer,
his mother or a good book; it was Mr. Prosser's accepted role to tackle
Arthur with the occasional new ploy such as the For the Public Good talk,
the March of Progress talk, the They Knocked My House Down Once You
Know, Never Looked Back talk and various other ca joleries and threats; and
it was the bulldozer drivers' accepted role to sit around drinking coee and
experimenting with union regulations to see how they could turn the situation
to their nancial advantage. The Earth moved slowly in its diurnal course.
The sun was beginning to dry out the mud Arthur lay in.
A shadow moved across him again.
"Hello Arthur," said the shadow.
Arthur looked up and squinting into the sun was startled to see Ford
Prefect standing above him.
"Ford! Hello, how are you?"
"Fine," said Ford, "look, are you busy?"
"Am I busy?" exclaimed Arthur. "Well, I've just got all these bulldozers
and things to lie in front of because they'll knock my house down if I don't,
but other than that . . . well, no not especially, why?"
They don't have sarcasm on Betelgeuse, and Ford Prefect often failed to
notice it unless he was concentrating. He said, "Good, is there anywhere we
can talk?" "What?" said Arthur Dent.
For a few seconds Ford seemed to ignore him, and stared xedly into the
sky like a rabbit trying to get run over by a car. Then suddenly he squatted
down beside Arthur. "We've got to talk," he said urgently.
"Fine," said Arthur, "talk."
"And drink," said Ford. "It's vitally important that we talk and drink.
Now. We'll go to the pub in the village." He looked into the sky again, nervous, expectant.
"Look, don't you understand?" shouted Arthur. He pointed at Prosser.
"That man wants to knock my house down!"
9

Ford glanced at him, puzzled. "Well he can do it while you're away can't
he?" he asked. "But I don't want him to!"
"Ah."
"Look, what's the matter with you Ford?" said Arthur.
"Nothing. Nothing's the matter. Listen to me { I've got to tell you the
most important thing you've ever heard. I've got to tell you now, and I've
got to tell you in the saloon bar of the Horse and Groom." "But why?"
"Because you are going to need a very sti drink."
Ford stared at Arthur, and Arthur was astonished to nd that his will
was beginning to weaken. He didn't realize that this was because of an old
drinking game that Ford learned to play in the hyperspace ports that served
the madranite mining belts in the star system of Orion Beta. The game was not unlike the Earth game called Indian Wrestling, and
was played like this:
Two contestants would sit either side of a table, with a glass in front of
each of them. Between them would be placed a bottle of Janx Spirit (as immortalized
in that ancient Orion mining song "Oh don't give me none more of that Old
Janx Spirit/ No, don't you give me none more of that Old Janx Spirit/ For
my head will
y, my tongue will lie, my eyes will fry and I may die/ Won't
you pour me one more of that sinful Old Janx Spirit"). Each of the two contestants would then concentrate their will on the
bottle and attempt to tip