The German Classics of The Nineteenth and Twentieth Centuries, Vol. X | Page 9

hour have I spent in disconsolate
depression, thinking that my existence and that of others is purposeless
and unprofitable--perchance only a casual product of creation, coming
and going like dust from rolling wheels.
About four years ago I came into close companionship, for the first
time since my school-days, with Moritz Blankenburg, and found in him,
what I had never had till then in my life, a friend; but the warm zeal of
his love strove in vain to give me by persuasion and discussion what I
lacked--faith. But through Moritz I made acquaintance with the Triglaf
family and the social circle around it, and found in it people who made
me ashamed that, with the scanty light of my understanding, I had
undertaken to investigate things which such superior intellects accepted
as true and holy with childlike trust. I saw that the members of this
circle were, in their outward life, almost perfect models of what I
wished to be. That confidence and peace dwelt in them did not surprise
me, for I had never doubted that these were companions of belief; but
belief cannot be had for the asking, and I thought I must wait
submissively to see whether it would come to me. I soon felt at home in
that circle, and was conscious of a satisfaction that I had not before
experienced--a family life that included me, almost a home.

I was meanwhile brought into contact with certain events in which I
was not an active participant, and which, as other people's secrets, I
cannot communicate to you, but which stirred me deeply. Their
practical result was that the consciousness of the shallowness and
worthlessness of my aim in life became more vivid than ever. Through
the advice of others, and through my own impulse, I was brought to the
point of reading the Scriptures more consecutively and with resolute
restraint, sometimes, of my own judgment. That which stirred within
me came to life when the news of the fatal illness of our late friend in
Cardemin tore the first ardent prayer from my heart, without subtle
questionings as to its reasonableness. God did not grant my prayer on
that occasion; neither did He utterly reject it, for I have never again lost
the capacity to bring my requests to Him, and I feel within me, if not
peace, at least confidence and courage such as I never knew before.
I do not know what value you will attach to this emotion, which my
heart has felt for only two months; I only hope that it may not be lost,
whatever your decision in regard to me may be--a hope of which I
could give you no better assurance than by undeviating frankness and
loyalty in that which I have now disclosed to you, and to no one else
hitherto, with the conviction that God favors the sincere.
I refrain from any assurance of my feelings and purposes with reference
to your daughter, for the step I am taking speaks of them louder and
more eloquently than words can. So, too, no promises for the future
would be of service to you, since you know the untrustworthiness of
the human heart better than I, and the only security I offer for the
welfare of your daughter lies in my prayer for God's blessing. As a
matter of history I would only observe that, after I had seen fräulein
Johanna repeatedly in Cardemin, after the trip we made together this
summer, I have only been in doubt as to whether the attainment of my
desires would be reconcilable with the happiness and peace of your
daughter, and whether my self-confidence was not greater than my
ability when I believed that she could find in me what she would have a
right to look for in her husband. Very recently, however, together with
my reliance on God's grace, the resolution which I now carry out has
also become fixed in me, and I kept silent when I saw you in

Zimmerhausen only because I had more to say than I could express in
conversation. In view of the importance of the matter and the great
sacrifice which it will involve for you and your wife in separation from
your daughter, I can scarcely hope that you will give a favorable
decision at once, and only beg that you will not refuse me an
opportunity for explanation upon any considerations which might
dispose you to reject my suit, before you utter a positive refusal.
There is doubtless a great deal that I have not said, or not said fully
enough, in this letter, and I am, of course, ready to give you exact and
faithful information as to everything you may desire to know; I think I
have told what is