The Fifteen Comforts of Matrimony: Responses from Men | Page 9

with even Toes, A Sole most strait, proportion'd Feet, she goes With modest Grace; but yet her Company, Did not a Month enjoy, before that I Was Prest for Sea, and being on the Main, For thirty Months I then return'd again, Where finding in my absence that my Wife Three brats had got, a most unchaste Life Both Day and Night I led the lech'rous Whore; Who seeing how I Curst, and Bann'd, and Swore, A Bag or two she shew'd me cramn'd with Gold, Which Treasure I no sooner did behold, But then I Kist my loving Wife and leapt, For very Gladness that my Horns were Tipt.
The fourth Comfort of Cuckoldom.
Above a Year or two I always thought My Wife so good that she cou'd not be naught, Till one Night coming home I caught a Spark Sat in my Parlor by her in the Dark, In mighty Pet I call'd for Candles strait, Doubting that I poor Fool was come too late: T'avert the Burthen which is made to grow On such who enters into Cuckolds Row. Hower'e as I was thinking of the best, And as I nothing saw contented rest, My am'rous Wife's Gallant, before he went, Did shew enough t'encrease my Discontent For he wou'd slily pull her Petticoat, Nod, Wink, and put into her Hand a Note, Whisper her in the Ear, or touch her Foot With many other private Signs to boot, All which confirm'd my Jealousie the more, And made me think 'em to be Rogue and Whore, But as I knew my Wife a bawling Slut, My Horns into my Pocket did I put For Quietness, which yet I seldom had, So I thro' Cuckoldom run really Mad.
The fifth Comfort of Cuckoldom.
When I poor I unto a Wife was bound, I wish I had been Bury'd under Ground, For to my Grief I found her both before And after Marriage too to be a Whore. But when I found the Beast of such a Breed, I soldier turn'd, and with a Baw'd agreed To let her out at half a Crown a Week Who undertook she shou'd not be too seek; For Custom, but said, she must for her pains, From th' insatiate Whore have double Gains.
The Sixth Comfort of Cuckoldom.
Finding my Wife by Whoring nothing get, But to maintain her Sparks ran me in Debt; Her Whoring gratis made me really vext, So Shop I shut, and fled to Holland next.
The Seventh Comfort of Cuckoldom.
While I was but into the Country gone, To give some Chapmen there the gentle Dun Mean time a Rubbers she with some had play'd, And in the Powd'ring Tub was quickly laid, Unknown to me, and had been secret still, But that the Surgeon bringing in his Bill When I came Home, the Murder so came out, And still my Wife is Whore enough I doubt.
The Eighth Comfort of Cuckoldom.
A sordid Lecher coming very old To tempt my Spouse with Silver and with Gold, She told me of't, and said, she cou'd not fawn, On him, or's Gold, to lay her Soul in pawn. By this I thought her Honest, till my maid Inform'd me shortly what Lew'd Tricks she play I Twitted then my Wife's Hypocrisie, Who Impudently did Reply to me; Old Flesh she Loath'd, as having in it left No Gravy, and of all it's Juice bereft, But if the Flesh was Young and to her mind, She'd to one Dish would never be confin'd.
The Ninth Comfort of Cuckoldom.
By my Dear Wife, in turning up her Tail To bear the Threshing of her Gallant's Frail, A Groat (which always is a Cuckold's Fee) Under the Candlestick I've laid for me; Besides good Peck and Booze, so till she's Dead, She may and will Whore on to get me Bread.
The Tenth Comfort of Cuckoldom.
As Strangers flatter'd with deceitful Snow, Fall in a Deadly Pit they do not know, So was I hamper'd in a Marriage Noose, In Marrying one that did frequent the Stews, As well as Cuckold me at Home; but she Transacting Whoredom with great Secresie Like other Neighbours, to avoid the Name Of Cuckold, I as private hid her shame.
The Eleventh Comfort of Cuckoldom.
When I found Cuckolds to Encrease apace, I Marry'd one with such an Ugly Face That one wou'd thought the Devil wou'd but grotch So foul a Figure as my Wife to touch; Yet being at a Friendly Club one Night, A Raskal came and Cuckol'd me for spight.
The Twelfth Comfort of Cuckoldom.
What signifies a Man to fret and fume, Till Grief and Sorrow makes his Flesh consume Because his Wife in Actions may be light And to his Face will horn him Day and Night; This Comfort may alleviate his Woe, That Cuckold's without