The False Nun | Page 9

and longing for a renewal of our
delightful pleasures.
The next day, however, when I came to think of that rather too lively
night, during which, as is generally the case, Love had routed Reason, I
felt some remorse. M---- M---- wanted to convince me of her love, and
for that purpose she had combined all the virtues which I attached to
my own affection--namely, honour, delicacy, and truth, but her
temperament, of which her mind was the slave, carried her towards
excess, and she prepared everything in order to give way to it, while
she awaited the opportunity of making me her accomplice. She was
coaxing love to make it compliant, and to succeed in mastering it,
because her heart, enslaved by her senses, never reproached her. She

likewise tried to deceive herself by endeavouring to forget that I might
complain of having been surprised. She knew that to utter such a
complaint I would have to acknowledge myself weaker or less
courageous than she was, and she relied upon my being ashamed to
make such a confession. I had no doubt whatever that the absence of
the ambassador had been arranged and concerted beforehand. I could
see still further, for it seemed evident to me that the two conspirators
had foreseen that I would guess the artifice, and that, feeling stung to
the quick, in spite of all my regrets, I would not shew myself less
generous than they had been themselves. The ambassador having first
procured me a delightful night, how could I refuse to let him enjoy as
pleasant a one? My friends had argued very well, for, in spite of all the
objections of my mind, I saw that I could not on my side put any
obstacle in their way. C---- C---- was no impediment to them. They
were certain of conquering her the moment she was not hindered by my
presence. It rested entirely with M---- M----, who had perfect control
over her. Poor girl! I saw her on the high road to debauchery, and it was
my own doing! I sighed when I thought how little I had spared them in
our last orgie, and what would become of me if both of them should
happen to be, by my doing, in such a position as to be compelled to run
away from the convent? I could imagine both of them thrown upon my
hands, and the prospect was not particularly agreeable. It would be an
'embarras de richesse'. In this miserable contest between reason and
prejudice, between nature and sentiment, I could not make up my mind
either to go to the supper or to remain absent from it. "If I go," said I to
myself, "that night will pass with perfect decency, but I shall prove
myself very ridiculous, jealous, ungrateful, and even wanting in
common politeness: if I remain absent, C---- C---- is lost, at least, in my
estimation, for I feel that my love will no longer exist, and then
good-bye to all idea of a marriage with her." In the perplexity of mind
in which I found myself, I felt a want of something more certain than
mere probabilities to base my decision upon. I put on my mask, and
repaired to the mansion of the French ambassador. I addressed myself
to the gate-keeper, saying that I had a letter for Versailles, and that I
would thank him to deliver it to the courier when he went back to
France with his excellency's dispatches.

"But, sir," answered the man, "we have not had a special courier for the
last two months:"
"What? Did not a special cabinet messenger arrive here last night?"
"Then he must have come in through the garret window or down the
chimney, for, on the word of an honest man, none entered through the
gate."
"But the ambassador worked all night?"
"That may be, sir, but not here, for his excellency dined with the
Spanish ambassador, and did not return till very late:"
I had guessed rightly. I could no longer entertain any doubt. It was all
over; I could not draw back without shame. C---- C---- must resist, if
the game was distasteful to her; no violence would of course be offered
to her. The die was cast!
Towards evening I went to the casino of Muran, and wrote a short note
to M---- M----, requesting her to excuse me if some important business
of M. de Bragadin's prevented me from spending the night with her and
with our two friends, to whom I sent my compliments as well as my
apologies. After that I returned to Venice, but in rather an unpleasant
mood; to divert myself I went to the gaming table, and lost all night.
Two days afterwards, being certain that a