The Facts Concerning The Recent Carnival of Crime in Connecticut | Page 9

It is my business--and my joy--to make you repent of everything you
do. If I have fooled away any opportunities it was not intentional; I beg
to assure you it was not intentional!"
"Don't worry; you haven't missed a trick that I know of. I never did a
thing in all my life, virtuous or otherwise, that I didn't repent of in
twenty-four hours. In church last Sunday I listened to a charity sermon.
My first impulse was to give three hundred and fifty dollars; I repented
of that and reduced it a hundred; repented of that and reduced it another
hundred; repented of that and reduced it another hundred; repented of
that and reduced the remaining fifty to twenty-five; repented of that and
came down to fifteen; repented of that and dropped to two dollars and a
half; when the plate came around at last, I repented once more and
contributed ten cents. Well, when I got home, I did wish to goodness I
had that ten cents back again! You never did let me get through a
charity sermon without having something to sweat about."
"Oh, and I never shall, I never shall. You can always depend on me."
"I think so. Many and many's the restless night I've wanted to take you
by the neck. If I could only get hold of you now!"
"Yes, no doubt. But I am not an ass; I am only the saddle of an ass. But

go on, go on. You entertain me more than I like to confess."
I am glad of that. (You will not mind my lying a little, to keep in
practice.) Look here; not to be too personal, I think you are about the
shabbiest and most contemptible little shriveled-up reptile that can be
imagined. I am grateful enough that you are invisible to other people,
for I should die with shame to be seen with such a mildewed monkey of
a conscience as you are. Now if you were five or six feet high, and--"
"Oh, come! who is to blame?"
"I don't know."
"Why, you are; nobody else."
"Confound you, I wasn't consulted about your personal appearance."
"I don't care, you had a good deal to do with it, nevertheless. When you
were eight or nine years old, I was seven feet high, and as pretty as a
picture."
"I wish you had died young! So you have grown the wrong way, have
you?"
"Some of us grow one way and some the other. You had a large
conscience once; if you've a small conscience now I reckon there are
reasons for it. However, both of us are to blame, you and I. You see,
you used to be conscientious about a great many things; morbidly so, I
may say. It was a great many years ago. You probably do not remember
it now. Well, I took a great interest in my work, and I so enjoyed the
anguish which certain pet sins of yours afflicted you with that I kept
pelting at you until I rather overdid the matter. You began to rebel. Of
course I began to lose ground, then, and shrivel a little--diminish in
stature, get moldy, and grow deformed. The more I weakened, the more
stubbornly you fastened on to those particular sins; till at last the places
on my person that represent those vices became as callous as shark-skin.
Take smoking, for instance. I played that card a little too long, and I
lost. When people plead with you at this late day to quit that vice, that
old callous place seems to enlarge and cover me all over like a shirt of
mail. It exerts a mysterious, smothering effect; and presently I, your
faithful hater, your devoted Conscience, go sound asleep! Sound? It is
no name for it. I couldn't hear it thunder at such a time. You have some
few other vices--perhaps eighty, or maybe ninety--that affect me in
much the same way."
"This is flattering; you must be asleep a good part of your time."

"Yes, of late years. I should be asleep all the time but for the help I
get."
"Who helps you?"
"Other consciences. Whenever a person whose conscience I am
acquainted with tries to plead with you about the vices you are callous
to, I get my friend to give his client a pang concerning some villainy of
his own, and that shuts off his meddling and starts him off to hunt
personal consolation. My field of usefulness is about trimmed down to
tramps, budding authoresses, and that line of goods now; but don't you
worry --I'll harry you on theirs while they last! Just you put your trust
in me."
"I think I can. But if you had only been good enough to