The Double Widowing | Page 9

Oh, don't quibble with me. I am going to have a good laugh with the Countess.
Desmond What! Leave me without witnessing--
Arabella I will witness you wonderfully.
(Enter Lucy.)
Arabella Ah, Lucy, everything is going wonderfully. You see me in joy. But, in recompense, Desmond is angry. I believe he almost wishes that our marriage should be prevented, and that he will run into some obstacle.
Lucy Then he can rejoice, for the obstacle has come. Your uncle is returned, sir.
Desmond My uncle, ah Heaven, I am in despair.
Arabella All our schemes are ruined. Ah, Desmond, why do you love me so much? It always makes you so unhappy. Really, I feel worse than you--no hope--I am desolated.
Desmond Desolated, you say?
Arabella Desolated, desperate.
Desmond What? You suffer?
Arabella Oh, how unhappy I am.
Desmond Ah, what a joy for me! You have feelings. I am loved. I don't want anything else in the world. I want only your heart.
Lucy You won't have that either.
Desmond But Lucy, is it really true that my uncle is back? What, in the very moment I was convinced we'd be happy forever. Ah Heaven, is there a misery equal to mine?
(Enter Tuneless.)
Tuneless The steward is back. What a reversal. He took an express coach and returns just in time to desolate us. His wife's rage is going to rebound on us--for she already knows.
Lucy For me, I wish them both what they deserve. To the wife, a dead husband. To the husband, a dead wife. At least their desires will not be accomplished quickly.-- You will never be married.
Desmond Here's my uncle coming now.
Arabella What shall we say to him?
Lucy What role to play?
Tuneless I don't know at all.
(Enter Bramble.)
Bramble Listen, what's this all about? Vainly do I question everybody. Each one turns his back on me, without any response. Everyone in mourning. Nephew, why are you dressed in mourning?
Desmond (bowing and exiting) Sir--
Bramble Another fleeing mute. And you, Arabella, what have you to tell me?
Arabella (curtsying) Not a thing, sir.
(Exit Arabella.)
Bramble Again--hey, I beg you, Lucy, ease me of my uncertainty. Why the mourning?
Lucy For a costume party.
(Exit Lucy.)
Bramble And you, Tuneless--won't you explain to me what I already begin to suspect. If it were the Countess who was dead, then everybody would be in mourning--right? My dear Tuneless, hide nothing from me. You are my only confidant--
Tuneless Well, but-- (aside) What the devil am I going to say?
Bramble What ought I to think in seeing all this?
Tuneless In seeing all this black clothing, you ought to think they are dressed in black.
Bramble Hmm! I doubt--
Tuneless Tell me. What are you worried about? I will tell you if it is true.
Bramble It must be, but I don't believe it.
Tuneless Nor I, sir.
Bramble My heart tells me enough. (hands over his eyes) My wife is dead.
Tuneless (aside) This give me an idea. Let him believe it. He is in love with Arabella, that's good, too. (aloud) Yes, my word, sir. There's no keeping it from you. One divines immediately what one fears or wishes most. You've guessed it. Your wife is--dead.
Bramble I've observed that no one dared tell me the news.
Tuneless It jumps right at you. I dared not tell you. I am certain you are strong enough to bear it.
Bramble It happens to everybody.
Tuneless You take it like a Caesar.
Bramble I bet she died Saturday night.
Tuneless Right.
Bramble 'Cause I woke from a dream with a terrible start.
Tuneless You see the sympathy between those two who love each other.
Bramble I sensed a cold hand.
Tuneless And, she told you goodbye.
Bramble I saw an invisible phantom. There--who disappeared. But, how did her death occur?
Tuneless I am going to tell you, sir. You know that Saturday night--
Bramble Yes?
Tuneless In the moment she appeared to you--death took her. But the ghost already told you--
Bramble What happened?
Tuneless Death took her. I don't like to tell sad tales like these.
Bramble Tell me some circumstances.
Tuneless If you absolutely wish to know the circumstances, I'll tell you right away that she died suddenly.
Bramble Of apoplexy?
Tuneless No, sir--of--of emotion. They just told her you had died at the wells. Suddenly, a seizure came on--and the faint turned into a coma--and you are now a widower.
Bramble (drawing out a handkerchief) If it is true she died of sadness, I am obligated to weep. (low) But, how shall I manage it? Boo hoo.
Tuneless Don't weep any more. I've got important business to discuss.
Bramble Really, I've suffered an irreparable loss.
Tuneless That can be repaired, sir--for--
Bramble She was the best of wives--boo hoo.
Tuneless Listen to me, please--
Bramble Easy going--affectionate--boo hoo.
Tuneless Listen, will you!
Bramble Tender--boo--sincere hoo--honest boo--the best heart--the best heart-- hoo--hoo--hoo.
Tuneless (aside) If he's going to weep forever, he'll mess up my plans. (pulling Bramble by the arm) Sir, you make me feel compassion for you. The woman didn't die of sadness. I told you