The Double Widowing | Page 5

the situation we are in, you ought to tremble. And if you were in love, you'd be like me: ill at ease, agitated, in a cruel uncertainty, languishing, sighing, trembling.
(Enter the Countess and her Maid.)
Countess Well, Arabella, I am working to marry you--aren't you delighted?
Arabella On the contrary, Madame, I am ill at ease, agitated, and in a cruel uncertainty, languishing, sighing, and trembling. Is that how I should love, sir?
Countess Enough, Arabella, enough. Desmond, it was I who told her to tease you a bit over your emotionalism. It's not that I don't esteem you highly; the interest I take in your marriage proves that. But today, I've resolved to laugh, and to ridicule all those who happen to be around me. I have nothing but a boring day to pass in the country, and I am gong to amuse myself at the expense of anyone who happens to be around. So beware. Our widow will be the principal subject of my diversion--and the way I intend to get the money out of Mrs. Bramble is a comedy which will amuse me immensely.
Arabella If you are able to get money out of aunt Bramble, don't mock her. We must pity the afflicted.
Countess When her husband's death was announced to her, I perceived that only her facial expression showed any signs of affliction.
Desmond Maybe so, but I beg you to spare her. For if her affection was false, that of my uncle was true enough. And my uncle had the honor to be your steward.
Countess Oh, Bramble's enriched himself at my expense--and now I will laugh at the expense of his widow. After all, it's an outrage. She wants to disinherit her niece--who's my godchild--in a word, she hates what you love. Why manipulate, if it weren't for love of you?
Desmond If she's done it from love of me, it's an inexcusable folly.
Countess A less excusable folly is the speed with which she took to mourning yesterday. (to Maid) Miss, tell me how she has been able to find so much crepe in the country?
Maid I heard this morning from Lucy, that she's always kept a mourning outfit hidden in her trunk, so as always to be well prepared for the unexpected death of her husband. She says every well-ordered wife ought to do the same, so she can celebrate her misfortune from the very first moment of widowhood.
Countess And you don't want me to ridicule such an affectation? There, Desmond! Go, put on mourning, too--to prove that your uncle is dead.
Arabella I am also going to put on black, to make it all more touching.
(Exit Arabella and Desmond.)
Countess Miss, you will have to sing a little aria in the opera that Mr. Tuneless is preparing for me. It's right that my servants contribute to my amusements today.
Maid I wish your Scotsman were here. He sings well. His wife is also a good singer and dances well for a highlander.
Countess Here she is now. What does she wish to tell me?
(Enter Mrs. MacPherson.)
Mrs. MacPherson Rejoice, Madame, my husband has just returned from Tunbridge Wells.
Countess I am delighted. He will tell us if Mr. Bramble is dead or alive. He hasn't already told you, has he?
Mrs. MacPherson My husband never tells me his secrets. He's right, for I am too much of a gossip. I like it better when he tells me nothing, because he's so pompous when he tells me a secret. He has such long oaths, so long that I would as soon listen to a hundred sighs from another man. Before he will tell me one word!
Countess Why doesn't he come then?
Mrs. MacPherson Madame, to appear to you in his proper attire, he has gone to have his wig curled and powdered.
Maid He's rouging also. For he went to the Wells to lighten his skin.
Mrs. MacPherson Don't mock him before her, mam. He went to the waters to improve his health. And to please me, for he loves me, and I am determined that he be healthy.
Countess I am delighted to see you in such good humor.
Mrs. MacPherson I am happy because my husband has returned. And also, because your servant has been slipping us a little wine--discreetly. Women from my country are born for wine, like the French are born for love. Each to his custom and often enough the one does not impede the other.
Maid Here is Mr. MacPherson, Madame. You are going to hear an interesting speech, because he's erudite, your Highlander.
MacPherson (entering) Madame, Madame.
Countess Don't waste your time bowing. Tell me--is Bramble dead?
MacPherson I know all about these matters--in extreme exactitude.
Countess All these things consist in one word--he's dead, or he isn't.
MacPherson It is necessary to explain all these things to you by direction. For, when I left you, you directed that I should