The Crater | Page 3

their stead we hear of Lowinys, and Orchistrys, Philenys,
Alminys, Cytherys, Sarahlettys, Amindys, Marindys, &c. &c. &c. All
these last appellations terminate properly with an a, but this unfortunate
vowel, when a final letter, being popularly pronounced like y, we have
adapted our spelling to the sound, which produces a complete bathos to
all these flights in taste.
The hero of this narrative was born fully sixty years since, and happily
before the rage for modern appellations, though he just escaped being
named after another system which we cannot say we altogether admire;
that of using a family, for a christian name. This business of names is a
sort of science in itself and we do believe that it is less understood and
less attended to in this country than in almost all others. When a
Spaniard writes his name as Juan de Castro y[1] Muños, we know that
his father belonged to the family of Castro and his mother to that of
Muños. The French, and Italian, and Russian woman, &c., writes on
her card Madame this or that, born so and so; all which tells the whole
history of her individuality Many French women, in signing their
names, prefix those of their own family to those of their husbands, a
sensible and simple usage that we are glad to see is beginning to obtain
among ourselves. The records on tomb-stones, too, might be made
much more clear and useful than they now are, by stating distinctly
who the party was, on both sides of the house, or by father and mother;
and each married woman ought to be commemorated in some such
fashion as this: "Here lies Jane Smith, wife of John Jones," &c., or,
"Jane, daughter of Thomas Smith and wife of John Jones." We believe
that, in some countries, a woman's name is not properly considered to
be changed by marriage, but she becomes a Mrs. only in connection
with the name of her husband. Thus Jane Smith becomes Mrs. John
Jones, but not Mrs. Jane Jones. It is on this idea we suppose that our
ancestors the English--every Englishman, as a matter of course, being
every American's ancestor--thus it is, we suppose, therefore, that our

ancestors, who pay so much more attention to such matters than we do
ourselves, in their table of courtesy, call the wife of Lord John Russell,
Lady John, and not Lady--whatever her Christian name may happen to
be. We suppose, moreover, it is on this principle that Mrs. General This,
Mrs. Dr. That, and Mrs. Senator T'other, are as inaccurate as they are
notoriously vulgar.
[Footnote 1: Some few of our readers may require to be told that, in
Spanish, y, pronounced as e, is the simple conjunction "and;" thus this
name is de Castro and Muños.]
Mark Woolston came from a part of this great republic where the
names are still as simple, unpretending, and as good Saxon English, as
in the county of Kent itself. He was born in the little town of Bristol,
Bucks county, Pennsylvania. This is a portion of the country that,
Heaven be praised! still retains some of the good old-fashioned
directness and simplicity. Bucks is full of Jacks, and Bens, and Dicks,
and we question if there is such a creature, of native growth, in all that
region, as an Ithusy, or a Seneky, or a Dianthy, or an Antonizetty, or a
Deidamy.[2] The Woolstons, in particular, were a plain family, and
very unpretending in their external appearance, but of solid and highly
respectable habits around the domestic hearth. Knowing perfectly how
to spell, they never dreamed anyone would suspect them of ignorance.
They called themselves as their forefathers were called, that is to say,
Wooster, or just as Worcester is pronounced; though a Yankee
schoolmaster tried for a whole summer to persuade our hero, when a
child, that he ought to be styled Wool-ston. This had no effect on Mark,
who went on talking of his uncles and aunts, "Josy Wooster," and
"Tommy Wooster," and "Peggy Wooster," precisely as if a New
England academy did not exist on earth; or as if Webster had not
actually put Johnson under his feet!
[Footnote 2: Absurd and forced as these strange appellations may
appear, they are all genuine. The writer has collected a long list of such
names from real life, which he may one day publish--Orchistra, Philena,
and Almina are among them. To all the names ending in a, it must be
remembered that the sound of a final y is given.]

The father of Mark Woolston (or Wooster) was a physician, and, for
the country and age, was a well-educated and skilful man. Mark was
born in 1777, just seventy years since, and only ten days before the
surrender of Burgoyne. A good deal