The Cossacks | Page 2

O my God!' he added, with a gesture of his arm. 'If it all happened
reasonably, and not all topsy-turvy--not in our way but in a way of its
own! Why, it's as if I had stolen that love! You think so too, don't deny
it. You must think so. But will you believe it, of all the horrid and
stupid things I have found time to do in my life--and there are
many--this is one I do not and cannot repent of. Neither at the
beginning nor afterwards did I lie to myself or to her. It seemed to me
that I had at last fallen in love, but then I saw that it was an involuntary
falsehood, and that that was not the way to love, and I could not go on,
but she did. Am I to blame that I couldn't? What was I to do?'
'Well, it's ended now!' said his friend, lighting a cigar to master his
sleepiness. 'The fact is that you have not yet loved and do not know
what love is.'
The man in the fur-lined coat was going to speak again, and put his
hands to his head, but could not express what he wanted to say.
'Never loved! ... Yes, quite true, I never have! But after all, I have
within me a desire to love, and nothing could be stronger than that
desire! But then, again, does such love exist? There always remains
something incomplete. Ah well! What's the use of talking? I've made an
awful mess of life! But anyhow it's all over now; you are quite right.
And I feel that I am beginning a new life.'
'Which you will again make a mess of,' said the man who lay on the
sofa playing with his watch-key. But the traveller did not listen to him.
'I am sad and yet glad to go,' he continued. 'Why I am sad I don't know.'
And the traveller went on talking about himself, without noticing that
this did not interest the others as much as it did him. A man is never
such an egotist as at moments of spiritual ecstasy. At such times it
seems to him that there is nothing on earth more splendid and
interesting than himself.
'Dmitri Andreich! The coachman won't wait any longer!' said a young
serf, entering the room in a sheepskin coat, with a scarf tied round his

head. 'The horses have been standing since twelve, and it's now four
o'clock!'
Dmitri Andreich looked at his serf, Vanyusha. The scarf round
Vanyusha's head, his felt boots and sleepy face, seemed to be calling
his master to a new life of labour, hardship, and activity.
'True enough! Good-bye!' said he, feeling for the unfastened hook and
eye on his coat.
In spite of advice to mollify the coachman by another tip, he put on his
cap and stood in the middle of the room. The friends kissed once, then
again, and after a pause, a third time. The man in the fur-lined coat
approached the table and emptied a champagne glass, then took the
plain little man's hand and blushed.
'Ah well, I will speak out all the same ... I must and will be frank with
you because I am fond of you ... Of course you love her--I always
thought so--don't you?'
'Yes,' answered his friend, smiling still more gently.
'And perhaps...'
'Please sir, I have orders to put out the candles,' said the sleepy
attendant, who had been listening to the last part of the conversation
and wondering why gentlefolk always talk about one and the same
thing. 'To whom shall I make out the bill? To you, sir?' he added,
knowing whom to address and turning to the tall man.
'To me,' replied the tall man. 'How much?'
'Twenty-six rubles.'
The tall man considered for a moment, but said nothing and put the bill
in his pocket.
The other two continued their talk.

'Good-bye, you are a capital fellow!' said the short plain man with the
mild eyes. Tears filled the eyes of both. They stepped into the porch.
'Oh, by the by,' said the traveller, turning with a blush to the tall man,
'will you settle Chevalier's bill and write and let me know?'
'All right, all right!' said the tall man, pulling on his gloves. 'How I
envy you!' he added quite unexpectedly when they were out in the
porch.
The traveller got into his sledge, wrapped his coat about him, and said:
'Well then, come along!' He even moved a little to make room in the
sledge for the man who said he envied him--his voice trembled.
'Good-bye, Mitya! I hope that with God's help you...' said the tall one.
But his wish was that the other would go