The Complete Writings, vol 4 | Page 4

I don't know that Julius
Caesar ever drove cattle, though he must often have seen the peasants
from the Campagna "haw" and "gee" them round the Forum (of course
in Latin, a language that those cattle understood as well as ours do
English); but what I mean is, that I stood up and "hollered" with all my
might, as everybody does with oxen, as if they were born deaf, and
whacked them with the long lash over the head, just as the big folks did
when they drove. I think now that it was a cowardly thing to crack the
patient old fellows over the face and eyes, and make them wink in their
meek manner. If I am ever a boy again on a farm, I shall speak gently
to the oxen, and not go screaming round the farm like a crazy man; and
I shall not hit them a cruel cut with the lash every few minutes, because
it looks big to do so and I cannot think of anything else to do. I never
liked lickings myself, and I don't know why an ox should like them,
especially as he cannot reason about the moral improvement he is to get
out of them.
Speaking of Latin reminds me that I once taught my cows Latin. I don't
mean that I taught them to read it, for it is very difficult to teach a cow
to read Latin or any of the dead languages,--a cow cares more for her
cud than she does for all the classics put together. But if you begin
early, you can teach a cow, or a calf (if you can teach a calf anything,
which I doubt), Latin as well as English. There were ten cows, which I
had to escort to and from pasture night and morning. To these cows I
gave the names of the Roman numerals, beginning with Unus and Duo,
and going up to Decem. Decem was, of course, the biggest cow of the
party, or at least she was the ruler of the others, and had the place of
honor in the stable and everywhere else. I admire cows, and especially
the exactness with which they define their social position. In this case,
Decem could "lick" Novem, and Novem could "lick" Octo, and so on
down to Unus, who could n't lick anybody, except her own calf. I
suppose I ought to have called the weakest cow Una instead of Unus,

considering her sex; but I did n't care much to teach the cows the
declensions of adjectives, in which I was not very well up myself; and,
besides, it would be of little use to a cow. People who devote
themselves too severely to study of the classics are apt to become dried
up; and you should never do anything to dry up a cow. Well, these ten
cows knew their names after a while, at least they appeared to, and
would take their places as I called them. At least, if Octo attempted to
get before Novem in going through the bars (I have heard people speak
of a "pair of bars" when there were six or eight of them), or into the
stable, the matter of precedence was settled then and there, and, once
settled, there was no dispute about it afterwards. Novem either put her
horns into Octo's ribs, and Octo shambled to one side, or else the two
locked horns and tried the game of push and gore until one gave up.
Nothing is stricter than the etiquette of a party of cows. There is
nothing in royal courts equal to it; rank is exactly settled, and the same
individuals always have the precedence. You know that at Windsor
Castle, if the Royal Three-Ply Silver Stick should happen to get in front
of the Most Royal Double-and-Twisted Golden Rod, when the court is
going in to dinner, something so dreadful would happen that we don't
dare to think of it. It is certain that the soup would get cold while the
Golden Rod was pitching the Silver Stick out of the Castle window into
the moat, and perhaps the island of Great Britain itself would split in
two. But the people are very careful that it never shall happen, so we
shall probably never know what the effect would be. Among cows, as I
say, the question is settled in short order, and in a different manner
from what it sometimes is in other society. It is said that in other
society there is sometimes a great scramble for the first place, for the
leadership, as it is called, and that women, and men too, fight for what
is called position; and in order to be first they will injure their
neighbors by telling