The Complete Works of Artemus Ward, part 6 | Page 7

I am here with my cap and
bells I am also here with some serious descriptions of the
Mormons--their manners--their customs--and while the pictures I shall
present to your notice are by no means works of art--they are painted
from photographs actually taken on the spot (They were photographed
by Savage & Ottinger, of Salt Lake City, the photographers to Brigham
Young.)--and I am sure I need not inform any person present who was
ever in the territory of Utah that they are as faithful as they could
possibly be. (Curtain.--The picture was concealed from view during the
first part of the lecture by a crimson curtain. This was drawn together
or opened many times in the course of the lecture, and at odd points of
the lecture. I am not aware that Artemus himself could have explained
why he caused the curtain to be drawn at one place and not at another.
Probably he thought it to be one of his good jokes that it should shut in
the picture just when there was no reason for its being used.)
I went to Great Salt Lake City by way of California? (That is, he went
by steamer from New York to Aspinwall, thence across the Isthmus of
Panama by railway, and then from Panama to California by another
steamboat. A journey which then occupied about three weeks.)
I went to California on the steamer "Ariel."
This is the steamer "Ariel." (Picture.)
Oblige me by calmly gazing on the steamer "Ariel"--and when you go
to California be sure and go on some other steamer-- because the Ariel
isn't a very good one.
When I reached the "Ariel"--at pier No. 4--New York--I found the
passengers in a state of great confusion about their things--which were
being thrown around by the ship's porters in a manner at once
damaging and idiotic.--So great was the excitement--my fragile form
was smashed this way--and jammed that way--till finally I was shoved
into a stateroom which was occupied by two middle-aged females--who

said, "Base man--leave us--O leave us!"--I left them--Oh--I left them!
We reach Acapulco on the coast of Mexico in due time. Nothing of
special interest occurred at Acapulco--only some of the Mexican ladies
are very beautiful. They all have brilliant black hair--hair "black as
starless night"--if I may quote from the "Family Herald". It don't
curl.--A Mexican lady's hair never curls--it is straight as an Indian's.
Some people's hair won't curl under any circumstances.--My hair won't
curl under two shillings. (Artemus always wore his hair straight until
his severe illness in Salt Lake City. So much of it dropped off during
his recovery that he became dissatisfied with the long meagre
appearance his countenance presented when he surveyed it in the
looking-glass. After his lecture at the Salt Lake City Theatre he did not
lecture again until we had crossed the Rocky Mountains and arrived at
Denver City, the capital of Colorado. On the afternoon he was to
lecture there I met him coming out of an ironmonger's store with a
small parcel in his hand. "I want you, old fellow," he said; "I have been
all around the city for them, and I've got them at last." "Got what?" I
asked. "A pair of curling-tongs. I am going to have my hair curled to
lecture in to-night. I mean to cross the plains in curls. Come home with
me and try to curl it for me. I don't want to go to any idiot of a barber to
be laughed at." I played the part of friseur. Subsequently he became his
own "curlist," as he phrased it. >From that day forth Artemus was a
curly-haired man.)
(Picture of) The great thoroughfare of the imperial city of the Pacific
Coast (with a sign saying "Artemus Ward, Platts Hall every evening.")
The Chinese form a large element in the population of San
Francisco--and I went to the Chinese Theatre.
A Chinese play often lasts two months. Commencing at the hero's birth,
it is cheerfully conducted from week to week till he is either killed or
married.
The night I was there a Chinese comic vocalist sang a Chinese comic
song. It took him six weeks to finish it--but as my time was limited, I
went away at the expiration of 215 verses. There were 11,000 verses to
this song--the chorus being "Tural lural dural, ri fol day"--which was
repeated twice at the end of each verse--making--as you will at once
see--the appalling number of 22,000 "tural lural dural, ri fol days"--and
the man still lives.

(Picture of) Virginia City--in the bright new State of Nevada. (Virginia
City itself is built on a ledge cut out of the side of Mount Davidson,
which rises some 9000 feet above the sea level--the city being about
half way up its