The Complete Works of Artemus Ward, part 5 | Page 8

biled
mack'ril jest as comfor'bly as in your own house. I felt constrained,
however, to tell a fond mother who sot immegitly behind me, and who
was accompanied by a gin bottle, and a young infant--I felt constrained
to tell that mother, when her infant playfully mingled a rayther oily
mack'ril with the little hair which is left on my vener'ble hed, that I had
a bottle of scented hair oil at home, which on the whole I tho't I
preferred to that which her orfspring was greasin me with. This riled
the excellent feamale, and she said:
"Git out! You never was a infank yourself, I spose! Oh no! You was
too good to be a infank, you was! You slid into the world all ready
grow'd, didn't you? Git out!"

"No, Madam," I replied, "I too was once a infant! I was a luvly child.
People used to come in large and enthoosiastic crowds from all parts of
the country to see me, I was such a sweet and intel'gent infant. The
excitement was so intens, in fack, that a extra hotel was startid in the
town to accomodate the peple who thronged to my cradle." Havin
finished these troothful statemints, I smilt sweetly on the worthy female.
She said:
"Drat you, what do you come a-chaffin me for?" and the estymible
woman was really gettin furis, when I mollyfied her by praisin her
child, and by axin pardin for all I'd said.
"This little gal," I observed, "this surprisingly lively gal when--" the
mother said,
"It's t'other sect is he, Sir: it's a boy."
"Wall," I said, "then this little boy, whose eye is like a eagle a-soaring
proudly in the azure sky, will some day be a man, if he don't choke
hisself to death in childhood's sunny hours with a smelt or a bloater, or
some other drefful calamity. How surblime the tho't, my dear Madam,
that this infant as you fondle on your knee on this night, may grow up
into a free and independent citizen, whose vote will be worth from ten
to fifteen pounds, accordin as suffrage may range at that joyous perid!"
Let us now return, jentle reader, to the lan'lord of the Green Lion, who
we left in the bar in a state of anxiety and perspire. Rubbin his hot face
with a red handkercher, he said, "Is the strange bein a American?"
"He is."
"A Gen'ral?"
"No."
"A Colonial?"
"No."
"A Majer?"
"Not a Majer."
"A Capting?"
"He is not."
"A leftenant?"
"Not even that."
"Then," said the lan'lord of the Green Lion, "you ar deceeved! He is no
countryman of yours."
"Why not?" I said.

"I will tell you, Sir," said the lan'lord. "My son-in-law is employed in a
bankin house where ev'ry American as comes to these shores goes to
git his drafts casht, and he says that not one has arrived on these shores
during the last 18 months as wasn't a Gen'ral, a Colonial, a Majer, a
Capting, or a leftenant! This man, as I said afore, has deceeved you!
He's a imposture!"
I reeled into a chair. For a minit I was speechlis. At length I murmured,
"Alars! I fear it is too troo! Even I was a Capting of the Home Gards."
"To be sure," said the lan'lord; "you all do it over there."
"Wall," I said, "whatever nation this person belongs to, we may as well
go and hear him lectur this evenin. He is one of these spirit fellers--he
is a Trans-Mejim, and when he slings himself into a trans-state he says
the sperits of departed great men talk through him. He says that
to-night sev'ril em'nent persons will speak through him--among others,
Cromwell."
"And this Mr. Cromwell--is he dead?" said the lan'lord.
I told him that Oliver was no more.
"It's a umbug," said the lan'lord; to which I replied that we'd best go
and see, and we went. We was late, on account of the lan'lord's extensiv
acquaintans with the public house keepers along the road, and the hall
was some two miles distant, but we got there at last. The hall was about
half full, and the Mejim was just then assumin' to be Benjamin Franklin,
who was speakin about the Atlantic Cable.
He said the Cable was really a merrytorious affair, and that messiges
could be sent to America, and there was no doubt about their gettin
there in the course of a week or two, which he said was a beautiful
idear, and much quicker than by steamer or canal-boat. It struck me that
if this was Franklin a spiritooal life hadn't improved the old gentleman's
intellecks particly.
The audiens was mostly composed of rayther pale peple, whose eyes I
tho't rolled round in a somewhat wild manner.