The Complete Works of Artemus Ward, part 4 | Page 6

I do not of
course precisely know what a last year's calf's ideas of immortal glory
may be, but probably they are about as lucid as those of a Central
American in regard to a republican form of government.
And yet I am told they are a kindly people in the main. I never met but
one of them--a Costa-Rican; on board the Ariel. He lay sick with fever,
and I went to him and took his hot hand gently in mine. I shall never
forget his look of gratitude. And the next day he borrowed five dollars
of me, shedding tears as he put it in his pocket. . . . .
At Panama we lose several of our passengers, and among them three
Peruvian ladies, who go to Lima, the city of volcanic eruptions and
veiled black-eyed beauties.
The Senoritas who leave us at Panama are splendid creatures. They
learned me Spanish, and in the soft moonlight we walked on deck and
talked of the land of Pizarro. (You know old Piz. conquered Peru! and

although he was not educated at West Point, he had still some military
talent.) I feel as though I had lost all my relations, including my
grandmother and the cooking stove when these gay young Senoritas go
away.
They do not go to Peru on a Peruvian bark, but on an English steamer.
Off to Acapulco.
4.3. MEXICO.
We make Acapulco, a Mexican coast town of some importance, in a
few days, and all go ashore.
The pretty peasant girls peddle necklaces made of shells and oranges,
in the streets of Acapulco, on steamer days. They are quite naive about
it. Handing you a necklace they will say, "Me give you pres-ENT,
Senor," and then retire with a low curtsey. Returning, however, in a few
moments, they say quite sweetly, "You give me pres-ENT, Senor, of
quarter dollar!" which you at once do unless you have a heart of stone.
Acapulco was shelled by the French a year or so before our arrival
there, and they effected a landing. But the gay and gallant Mexicans
peppered them so persisently and effectually from the mountains near
by that they concluded to sell out and leave.
Napoleon has no right in Mexico. Mexico may deserve a licking. That
is possible enough. Most people do. But nobody has any right to lick
Mexico except the United States. We have a right, I flatter myself, to
lick this entire continent, including ourselves, any time we want to.
The signal gun is fired at 11, and we go off to the steamer in small
boats.
In our boat is an inebriated United States official, who flings his
spectacles overboard, and sings a flippant and absurd song about his
grandmother's spotted calf, with his ri-fol-lol-tiddery-i-do. After which
he crumbles, in an incomprehensible manner, into the bottom of the
boat, and howls dismally.
We reach Manzanillo, another coast place, twenty-four hours after
leaving Acapulco. Manzanillo is a little Mexican village, and looked
very wretched indeed, sweltering away there on the hot sands. But it is
a port of some importance, nevertheless, because a great deal of
merchandise finds its way to the interior from there. The white and
green flag of Mexico floats from a red steam-tug (the navy of Mexico,
by the way, consists of two tugs, a disabled raft, and a basswood

life-preserver), and the Captain of the Port comes off to us in his small
boat, climbs up the side of the St. Louis, and folds the healthy form of
Captain Hudson to his breast. There is no wharf here, and we have to
anchor off the town.
There was a wharf, but the enterprising Mexican peasantry, who subsist
by poling merchandise ashore in dug-outs, indignantly tore it up. We
take on here some young Mexicans, from Colima, who are going to
California. They are of the better class, and one young man (who was
educated in Madrid) speaks English rather better than I write it. Be
careful not to admire any article of an educated Mexican's dress,
because if you do he will take it right off and give it to you, and
sometimes this might be awkward.
I said: "What a beautiful cravat you wear!"
"It is yours!" he exclaimed, quickly unbuckling it; and I could not
induce him to take it back again.
I am glad I did not tell his sister, who was with him and with whom I
was lucky enough to get acquainted, what a beautiful white hand she
had. She might have given it to me on the spot; and that, as she had soft
eyes, a queenly form, and a half million or so in her own right, would
have made me feel bad.
Reports reach us here of high-handed robberies