The Complete Works of Artemus Ward, part 1 | Page 7

courted the society of actors and actresses. It
was in this way that he gained that correct and valuable knowledge of
the texts and characters of the drama, which enabled him in after years
to burlesque them so successfully. The humorous writings of Seba
Smith were his models, and the oddities of "John Phoenix" were his
especial admiration.
Being of a roving temper Charles Browne soon left Boston, and, after
traveling as a journeyman printer over much of New York and
Massachusetts, he turned up in the town of Tiffin, Seneca County, Ohio,
where he became reporter and compositor at four dollars per week.

After making many friends among the good citizens of Tiffin, by whom
he is remembered as a patron of side shows and traveling circuses, our
hero suddenly set out for Toledo, on the lake, where he immediately
made a reputation as a writer of sarcastic paragraphs in the columns of
the Toledo "Commercial." He waged a vigorous newspaper war with
the reporters of the Toledo "Blade," but while the "Blade" indulged in
violent vituperation, "Artemus" was good-natured and full of humor.
His column soon gained a local fame and everybody read it. His fame
even traveled away to Cleveland, where, in 1858, when Mr. Browne
was twenty-four years of age, Mr. J.W. Gray of the Cleveland
"Plaindealer" secured him as local reporter, at a salary of twelve-dollars
per week. Here his reputation first began to assume a national character
and it was here that they called him a "fool" when he mentioned the
idea of taking the field as a lecturer. Speaking of this circumstance
while traveling down the Mississippi with the writer, in 1865, Mr.
Browne musingly repeated this colloquy:
WISE MAN:--"Ah! you poor foolish little girl--here is a dollar for
you."
FOOLISH LITTLE GIRL:--"Thank you, sir; but I have a sister at home
as foolish as I am; can't you give me a dollar for her?"
Charles Browne was not successful as a NEWS reporter, lacking
enterprise and energy, but his success lay in writing up in a burlesque
manner well-known public affairs like prize-fights, races, spiritual
meetings, and political gatherings. His department became wonderfully
humorous, and was always a favorite with readers, whether there was
any news in it or not. Sometimes he would have a whole column of
letters from young ladies in reply to a fancied matrimonial
advertisement, and then he would have a column of answers to general
correspondents like this:--
VERITAS:--Many make the same error. Mr. Key, who wrote the "Star
Spangled Banner," is not the author of Hamlet, a tragedy. He wrote the
banner business, and assisted in "The Female Pirate," BUT DID NOT
WRITE HAMLET. Hamlet was written by a talented but unscrupulous
man named Macbeth, afterwards tried and executed for "murdering
sleep."
YOUNG CLERGYMAN:--Two pints of rum, two quarts of hot water,
tea- cup of sugar, and a lemon; grate in nutmeg, stir thoroughly and

drink while hot.
It was during his engagement on the "Plaindealer" that he wrote, dating
from Indiana, his first communication,--the first published letter
following this sketch, signed "Artemus Ward" a sobriquet purely
incidental, but borne with the "u" changed to an "a" by an American
revolutionary general. It was here that Mr. Browne first became, IN
WORDS, the possessor of a moral show "consisting of three moral
bares, the a kangaroo (a amoozing little rascal; 'twould make you larf
yourself to death to see the little kuss jump and squeal), wax figures of
G. Washington, &c. &c." Hundreds of newspapers copied this letter,
and Charles Browne awoke one morning to find himself famous.
In the "Plaindealer" office, his companion, George Hoyt, writes: "His
desk was a rickety table which had been whittled and gashed until it
looked as if it had been the victim of lightning. His chair was a fit
companion thereto,--a wabbling, unsteady affair, sometimes with four
and sometimes with three legs. But Browne saw neither the table, nor
the chair, nor any person who might be near, nothing, in fact, but the
funny pictures which were tumbling out of his brain. When writing, his
gaunt form looked ridiculous enough. One leg hung over the arm of his
chair like a great hook, while he would write away, sometimes
laughing to himself, and then slapping the table in the excess of his
mirth."
While in the office of the "Plaindealer," Mr. Browne first conceived the
idea of becoming a lecturer. In attending the various minstrel shows
and circuses which came to the city, he would frequently hear repeated
some story of his own which the audience would receive with hilarity.
His best witticisms came back to him from the lips of another who
made a living by quoting a stolen jest. Then the thought came to him to
enter the lecture