The Comedy of Errors | Page 9

dines forth,
and let no creature enter.--
Come, sister:--Dromio, play the porter
well.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.
Am I in earth, in heaven, or in
hell?
Sleeping or waking, mad, or well-advis'd?
Known unto these,

and to myself disguis'd!
I'll say as they say, and persever so,
And in
this mist at all adventures go.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
Master, shall I be porter at the gate?
ADRIANA.
Ay; and let none enter, lest I break your pate.
LUCIANA.
Come, come, Antipholus, we dine too late.
[Exeunt.]
ACT III.
SCENE 1. The same.
[Enter ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, DROMIO OF EPHESUS,
ANGELO, and BALTHAZAR.]
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
Good Signior Angelo, you must
excuse us all.
My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours:
Say that I
linger'd with you at your shop
To see the making of her carcanet,

And that to-morrow you will bring it home.
But here's a villain that
would face me down.
He met me on the mart; and that I beat him,

And charg'd him with a thousand marks in gold;
And that I did deny
my wife and house:--
Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by
this?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
Say what you will, sir, but I know what I
know:
That you beat me at the mart I have your hand to show;
If
the skin were parchment, and the blows you gave were ink, Your own
handwriting would tell you what I think.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
I think thou art an ass.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
Marry, so it doth appear
By the wrongs
I suffer and the blows I bear.
I should kick, being kick'd; and being at

that pass,
You would keep from my heels, and beware of an ass.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
You are sad, Signior Balthazar;
pray God our cheer
May answer my good will and your good
welcome here.
BALTHAZAR.
I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your welcome
dear.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
O, Signior Balthazar, either at flesh
or fish,
A table full of welcome makes scarce one dainty dish.
BALTHAZAR.
Good meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
And welcome more common; for
that's nothing but words.
BALTHAZAR
Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
Ay, to a niggardly host and more
sparing guest.
But though my cates be mean, take them in good part;

Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.
But, soft; my
door is lock'd: go bid them let us in.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicely, Gillian,
Jen!
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
[Within] Mome, malt-horse, capon,
coxcomb, idiot, patch!
Either get thee from the door, or sit down at
the hatch:
Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call'st for such
store, When one is one too many? Go, get thee from the door.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
What patch is made our porter? My
master stays in the street.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
Let him walk from whence he came,

lest he catch cold on's feet.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
Who talks within there? Ho, open
the door!
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
Right, sir; I'll tell you when an you'll
tell me wherefore.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
Wherefore! For my dinner: I have
not dined to-day.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
Nor to-day here you must not; come
again when you may.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
What art thou that keep'st me out
from the house I owe?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
The porter for this time, sir, and my
name is Dromio.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
O villain, thou hast stolen both mine
office and my name;
The one ne'er got me credit, the other mickle
blame.
If thou hadst been Dromio to-day in my place,
Thou wouldst
have chang'd thy face for a name, or thy name for an ass.
LUCE.
[Within.] What a coil is there! Dromio, who are those at the
gate?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
Let my master in, Luce.
LUCE.
Faith, no, he comes too late;
And so tell your master.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
O Lord, I must laugh;--
Have at you
with a proverb:--Shall I set in my staff?
LUCE.
Have at you with another: that's--When? can you tell?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
If thy name be called Luce,--Luce, thou
hast answer'd him well.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
Do you hear, you minion? you'll let
us in, I hope?
LUCE.
I thought to have ask'd you.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
And you said no.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
So, Come, help: well struck; there was
blow for blow.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
Thou baggage, let me in.
LUCE.
Can you tell for whose sake?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
Master, knock the door hard.
LUCE.
Let him knock till it ache.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
You'll cry for this, minion, if I beat
the door down.
LUCE.
What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town?
ADRIANA.
[Within.] Who is that at the door, that keeps all this
noise?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
By my troth, your town is troubled
with unruly boys.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
Are you there, wife? you might
have come before.
ADRIANA.
Your wife, sir knave! go, get you from the door.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
If you went in pain, master, this knave
would go sore.
ANGELO.
Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome: we would fain
have either.
BALTHAZAR.
In