The Child of the Dawn | Page 3

the frank facing of experience, as
a blessed process by which the secret purpose of God is made known to
us; and, even more, in a passionate belief in Love, the love of friend
and neighbour, and the love of God; and in the absolute faith that we
are all of us, from the lowest and most degraded human soul to the
loftiest and wisest, knit together with chains of infinite nearness and
dearness, under God, and in Him, and through Him, now and hereafter
and for evermore.
A.C.B.
THE OLD LODGE, MAGDALENE COLLEGE, CAMBRIDGE,

January, 1912.

The Child of the Dawn

I
Certainly the last few moments of my former material, worn-out life, as
I must still call it, were made horrible enough for me. I came to, after
the operation, in a deadly sickness and ghastly confusion of thought. I
was just dimly conscious of the trim, bare room, the white bed, a figure
or two, but everything else was swallowed up in the pain, which filled
all my senses at once. Yet surely, I thought, it is all something outside
me? ... my brain began to wander, and the pain became a thing. It was a
tower of stone, high and blank, with a little sinister window high up,
from which something was every now and then waved above the
house-roofs.... The tower was gone in a moment, and there was a heap
piled up on the floor of a great room with open beams--a granary,
perhaps. The heap was of curved sharp steel things like sickles:
something moved and muttered underneath it, and blood ran out on the
floor. Then I was instantly myself, and the pain was with me again; and
then there fell on me a sense of faintness, so that the cold sweat-drops
ran suddenly out on my brow. There came a smell of drugs, sharp and
pungent, on the air. I heard a door open softly, and a voice said, "He is
sinking fast--they must be sent for at once." Then there were more
people in the room, people whom I thought I had known once, long ago;
but I was buried and crushed under the pain, like the thing beneath the
heap of sickles. There swept over me a dreadful fear; and I could see
that the fear was reflected in the faces above me; but now they were
strangely distorted and elongated, so that I could have laughed, if only I
had had the time; but I had to move the weight off me, which was
crushing me. Then a roaring sound began to come and go upon the air,
louder and louder, faster and faster; the strange pungent scent came
again; and then I was thrust down under the weight, monstrous,
insupportable; further and further down; and there came a sharp bright
streak, like a blade severing the strands of a rope drawn taut and tense;

another and another; one was left, and the blade drew near....
I fell suddenly out of the sound and scent and pain into the most
incredible and blessed peace and silence. It would have been like a
sleep, but I was still perfectly conscious, with a sense of unutterable
and blissful fatigue; a picture passed before me, of a calm sea, of vast
depth and clearness. There were cliffs at a little distance, great
headlands and rocky spires. I seemed to myself to have left them, to
have come down through them, to have embarked. There was a pale
light everywhere, flushed with rose-colour, like the light of a summer
dawn; and I felt as I had once felt as a child, awakened early in the little
old house among the orchards, on a spring morning; I had risen from
my bed, and leaning out of my window, filled with a delightful wonder,
I had seen the cool morning quicken into light among the dewy
apple-blossoms. That was what I felt like, as I lay upon the moving tide,
glad to rest, not wondering or hoping, not fearing or expecting
anything--just there, and at peace.
There seemed to be no time in that other blessed morning, no need to
do anything. The cliffs, I did not know how, faded from me, and the
boundless sea was about me on every side; but I cannot describe the
timelessness of it. There are no human words for it all, yet I must speak
of it in terms of time and space, because both time and space were there,
though I was not bound by them.
And here first I will say a few words about the manner of speech I shall
use. It is very hard to make clear, but I think I can explain it in an
image. I once walked alone, on a