The Black Dwarf | Page 4

however painfully
acquired, by constant domestic enquiry, and by foreign travel, is,
natheless, incompetent to the task of recording the pleasant narratives
of my Landlord, I will let these critics know, to their own eternal shame
and confusion as well as to the abashment and discomfiture of all who
shall rashly take up a song against me, that I am NOT the writer,
redacter, or compiler, of the Tales of my Landlord; nor am I, in one
single iota, answerable for their contents, more or less. And now, ye
generation of critics, who raise yourselves up as if it were brazen
serpents, to hiss with your tongues, and to smite with your stings, bow
yourselves down to your native dust, and acknowledge that yours have
been the thoughts of ignorance, and the words of vain foolishness. Lo!
ye are caught in your own snare, and your own pit hath yawned for you.
Turn, then, aside from the task that is too heavy for you; destroy not
your teeth by gnawing a file; waste not your strength by spurning
against a castle wall; nor spend your breath in contending in swiftness

with a fleet steed; and let those weigh the Tales of my Landlord, who
shall bring with them the scales of candour cleansed from the rust of
prejudice by the hands of intelligent modesty. For these alone they
were compiled, as will appear from a brief narrative which my zeal for
truth compelled me to make supplementary to the present Proem.
It is well known that my Landlord was a pleasing and a facetious man,
acceptable unto all the parish of Gandercleugh, excepting only the
Laird, the Exciseman, and those for whom he refused to draw liquor
upon trust. Their causes of dislike I will touch separately, adding my
own refutation thereof.
His honour, the Laird, accused our Landlord, deceased, of having
encouraged, in various times and places, the destruction of hares,
rabbits, fowls black and grey, partridges, moor-pouts, roe-deer, and
other birds and quadrupeds, at unlawful seasons, and contrary to the
laws of this realm, which have secured, in their wisdom, the slaughter
of such animals for the great of the earth, whom I have remarked to
take an uncommon (though to me, an unintelligible) pleasure therein.
Now, in humble deference to his honour, and in justifiable defence of
my friend deceased, I reply to this charge, that howsoever the form of
such animals might appear to be similar to those so protected by the
law, yet it was a mere DECEPTIO VISUS; for what resembled hares
were, in fact, HILL-KIDS, and those partaking of the appearance of
moor- fowl, were truly WOOD PIGEONS and consumed and eaten EO
NOMINE, and not otherwise.
Again, the Exciseman pretended, that my deceased Landlord did
encourage that species of manufacture called distillation, without
having an especial permission from the Great, technically called a
license, for doing so. Now, I stand up to confront this falsehood; and in
defiance of him, his gauging-stick, and pen and inkhorn, I tell him, that
I never saw, or tasted, a glass of unlawful aqua vitae in the house of my
Landlord; nay, that, on the contrary, we needed not such devices, in
respect of a pleasing and somewhat seductive liquor, which was vended
and consumed at the Wallace Inn, under the name of MOUNTAIN
DEW. If there is a penalty against manufacturing such a liquor, let him

show me the statute; and when he does, I'll tell him if I will obey it or
no.
Concerning those who came to my Landlord for liquor, and went
thirsty away, for lack of present coin, or future credit, I cannot but say
it has grieved my bowels as if the case had been mine own.
Nevertheless, my Landlord considered the necessities of a thirsty soul,
and would permit them, in extreme need, and when their soul was
impoverished for lack of moisture, to drink to the full value of their
watches and wearing apparel, exclusively of their inferior habiliments,
which he was uniformly inexorable in obliging them to retain, for the
credit of the house. As to mine own part, I may well say, that he never
refused me that modicum of refreshment with which I am wont to
recruit nature after the fatigues of my school. It is true, I taught his five
sons English and Latin, writing, book-keeping, with a tincture of
mathematics, and that I instructed his daughter in psalmody. Nor do I
remember me of any fee or HONORARIUM received from him on
account of these my labours, except the compotations aforesaid.
Nevertheless this compensation suited my humour well, since it is a
hard sentence to bid a dry throat wait till quarter-day.
But, truly, were I to speak my simple conceit and belief, I think