The Bicyclers and Three Other Farces | Page 8

to have a fireplace in a conservatory. Wilt all the flowers in ten minutes.
Mrs. Perkins (meekly). You needn't have the fire lit, need you?
Barlow. No--but--a fireplace without fire in it seems sort of--of bald, don't you think?
Yardsley. Bald? Splendid word applied to a fireplace. So few fireplaces have hair.
Mrs. Bradley. Oh, it could be covered up without any trouble, Bessie. Can't we have those dining-room portieres to hang in front of it?
Yardsley. Just the thing. Dining-room portieres always look well, whether they're in a conservatory or a street scene. (Enter Perkins.) Hello, Thaddeus! How d' y'? Got your overalls on?
Perkins (trying to appear serene). Yes. I'm ready for anything. Anything I can do?
Bradley. Yes--look pleasant. You look as if you were going to have your picture taken, or a tooth pulled. Haven't you a smile you don't need that you can give us? This isn't a funeral.
Perkins (assuming a grin). How'll that do?
Barlow. First-rate. We'll have to make you act next. That's the most villanous grin I ever saw.
Yardsley. I'll write a tragedy to go with it. But I say, Thad, we want those dining-room portieres of yours. Get 'em down for us, will you?
Perkins. Dining-room portieres! What for?
Mrs. Perkins. They all think the fireplace would better be hid, Thaddeus, dear. It wouldn't look well in a conservatory.
Perkins. I suppose not. And the dining-room portieres are wanted to cover up the fireplace?
Yardsley. Precisely. You have a managerial brain, Thaddeus. You can see at once what a dining-room portiere is good for. If ever I am cast away on a desert island, with nothing but a dining-room portiere for solace, I hope you'll be along to take charge of it. In your hands its possibilities are absolutely unlimited. Get them for us, old man; and while you are about it, bring a stepladder. (Exit Perkins, dejectedly.) Now, Barlow, you and Bradley help me with this piano. Pianos may do well enough in gardens or pirates' caves, but for conservatories they're not worth a rap.
Mrs. Bradley. Wait a moment. We must take the bric-a-brac from the top of it before you touch it. If there are two incompatible things in this world, they are men and bric-a-brac.
Mrs. Perkins. You are so thoughtful, though I am sure that Mr. Yardsley would not break anything willingly.
Barlow. Nothing but the ten commandments.
Yardsley. They aren't bric-a-brac; and I thank you, Mrs. Perkins, for your expression of confidence. I wouldn't intentionally go into the house of another man and toss his Sevres up in the air, or throw his Royal Worcester down-stairs, except under very great provocation. (Mrs. Perkins and Mrs. Bradley have by this time removed the bric-a- brac from the piano--an upright.) Now, boys, are you ready?
Bradley. Where is it to be moved to?
Yardsley. Where would you prefer to have it, Mrs. Perkins?
Mrs. Perkins. Oh, I have no preference in the matter. Put it where you please.
Yardsley. Suppose you carry it up into the attic, Barlow.
Barlow. Certainly. I'll be glad to if you'll carry the soft pedal. I'm always afraid when I'm carrying pianos up-stairs of breaking the soft pedal or dropping a few octaves.
Yardsley. I guess we'd better put it over in this corner, where the audience won't see it. If you are so careless that you can't move a piano without losing its tone, we'd better not have it moved too far. Now, then.
[Barlow, Yardsley, and Bradley endeavor to push the piano over the floor, but it doesn't move.
Enter Perkins with two portieres wrapped about him, and hugging a small stepladder in his arms.
Bradley. Hurry up, Perkins. Don't shirk so. Can't you see that we're trying to get this piano across the floor? Where are you at?
Perkins (meekly). I'm trying to make myself at home. Do you expect me to hang on to these things and move pianos at the same time?
Barlow. Let him alone, Bradley. He's doing the best he knows. I always say give a man credit for doing what he can, whether he is intelligent or not. Of course we don't expect you to hang on to the portieres and the stepladder while you are pushing the piano, Thad. That's too much to expect of any man of your size; some men might do it, but not all. Drop the portieres.
Perkins. Where'll I put 'em?
Yardsley. Put them on the stepladder.
Perkins (impatiently). And where shall I put the stepladder--on the piano?
Mrs. Perkins (coming to the rescue). I'll take care of these things, Thaddeus, dear.
Bradley. That's right; put everything off on your wife. What shirks some men are!
Yardsley. Now, then, Perkins, lend us your shoulder, and--one, two, three--push! Ah! She starts; she moves; she seems to feel the thrill of life along her keel. We must have gained an inch. Once more, now. My, but this is a heavy piano!
Bradley. Must be