The Bicyclers and Three Other Farces | Page 9

the matter. Put it where you
please.
Yardsley. Suppose you carry it up into the attic, Barlow.
Barlow. Certainly. I'll be glad to if you'll carry the soft pedal. I'm
always afraid when I'm carrying pianos up-stairs of breaking the soft
pedal or dropping a few octaves.

Yardsley. I guess we'd better put it over in this corner, where the
audience won't see it. If you are so careless that you can't move a piano
without losing its tone, we'd better not have it moved too far. Now,
then.
[Barlow, Yardsley, and Bradley endeavor to push the piano over the
floor, but it doesn't move.
Enter Perkins with two portieres wrapped about him, and hugging a
small stepladder in his arms.
Bradley. Hurry up, Perkins. Don't shirk so. Can't you see that we're
trying to get this piano across the floor? Where are you at?
Perkins (meekly). I'm trying to make myself at home. Do you expect
me to hang on to these things and move pianos at the same time?
Barlow. Let him alone, Bradley. He's doing the best he knows. I always
say give a man credit for doing what he can, whether he is intelligent or
not. Of course we don't expect you to hang on to the portieres and the
stepladder while you are pushing the piano, Thad. That's too much to
expect of any man of your size; some men might do it, but not all. Drop
the portieres.
Perkins. Where'll I put 'em?
Yardsley. Put them on the stepladder.
Perkins (impatiently). And where shall I put the stepladder--on the
piano?
Mrs. Perkins (coming to the rescue). I'll take care of these things,
Thaddeus, dear.
Bradley. That's right; put everything off on your wife. What shirks
some men are!
Yardsley. Now, then, Perkins, lend us your shoulder, and--one, two,
three--push! Ah! She starts; she moves; she seems to feel the thrill of

life along her keel. We must have gained an inch. Once more, now. My,
but this is a heavy piano!
Bradley. Must be full of Wagnerian music. Why don't you get a piano
of lighter quality, Perkins? This isn't any kind of an instrument for
amateur stage-hands to manage.
Perkins. I'll know better next time. But is it where you want it now?
Yardsley. Not a bit of it. We need one more push. Get her rolling, and
keep her rolling until she stands over there in that corner; and be careful
to stop her in time, I should hate to push a piano through one of my
host's parlor walls just for the want of a little care. (They push until the
piano stands against the wall on the other side of the room, keyboard
in.) There! That's first-rate. You can put a camp-chair on top of it for
the prompter to sit on; there's nothing like having the prompter up high,
because amateur actors when they forget their lines, always look up in
the air. Perkins, go sit out in the hall and imagine yourself an
enthusiastic audience--will you?-- and tell us if you can see the piano.
If you can see it, we'll have to put it somewhere else.
Perkins. Do you mean it?
Mrs. Bradley. Of course he doesn't, Mr. Perkins. It's impossible to see it
from the hall. Now, I think the rug ought to come up.
Mrs. Perkins. Dear me! what for?
Yardsley. Oh, it wouldn't do at all to have that rug in the conservatory,
Mrs. Perkins. Besides, I should be afraid it would be spoiled.
Perkins. Spoiled? What would spoil it? Are you going to wear spiked
shoes?
Barlow. Spiked shoes? Thaddeus, really you ought to have your mind
examined. This scene is supposed to be just off the ballroom, and it is
here that Gwendoline comes during the lanciers and encounters Hartley,
the villain. Do you suppose that even a villain in an amateur show

would go to a ball with spiked shoes on?
Perkins (wearily). But I still fail to see what is to spoil the rug. Does the
villain set fire to the conservatory in this play, or does he assassinate
the virtuous hero here and spill his gore on the floor?
Bradley. What a blood-and-thunder idea of the drama you have! Of
course he doesn't. There isn't a death in the whole play, and it's two
hours long. One or two people in the audience may die while the play is
going on, but people who haven't strong constitutions shouldn't attend
amateur shows.
Mrs. Perkins. That's true, I fancy.
Mrs. Bradley. Very. It would be very rude for one of your invited
guests to cast a gloom over your evening by dying.
Yardsley. It is seldom done among people who know what is what. But
to explain the point you want explained, Thaddeus: the