The Bed-Book of Happiness | Page 8

mean! This remark connected the broken chain, and the
poet was under the necessity of taking his chop by himself.
PRIDE [Sidenote: _Percy Anecdotes_]
A Spaniard rising from a fall, whereby his nose had suffered
considerably, exclaimed, "Voto, a tal, esto es caminar por la turru!"
(This comes of walking upon earth!)
WITTY COWARD [Sidenote: _Percy Anecdotes_]
A French marquis having received several blows with a stick, which he
never thought of resenting, a friend asked him, "How he could
reconcile it with his honour to suffer them to pass without notice?"
"Poh!" replied the marquis, "I never trouble my head with anything that
passes behind my back."
VALUING BEAUTY [Sidenote: _Percy Anecdotes_]
The Persian Ambassador, Mirza Aboul Hassan, while he resided in
Paris was an object of so much curiosity that he could not go out
without being surrounded by a multitude of gazers, and the ladies even
ventured so far as to penetrate his hotel.
On returning one day from a ride, he found his apartments crowded
with ladies, all elegantly dressed, but not all equally beautiful.
Astonished at this unexpected assemblage, he inquired what these
European odalisques could possibly want with him. The interpreter
replied that they had come to look at his Excellency. The Ambassador
was surprised to find himself an object of curiosity among a people
who boast of having attained the acme of civilisation; and was not a
little offended at conduct which, in Asia, would have been considered
an unwarrantable breach of good-breeding; he accordingly revenged
himself by the following little scheme.
The illustrious foreigner affected to be charmed with the ladies; he
looked at them attentively alternately, pointing to them with his finger,

and speaking with great earnestness to his interpreter, who, he was well
aware, would be questioned by his fair visitants; and whom he
therefore instructed in the part he was to act. Accordingly, the eldest of
the ladies, who, in spite of her age, probably thought herself the
prettiest of the whole party, and whose curiosity was particularly
excited, after his Excellency had passed through the suite of rooms,
coolly inquired what had been the object of his examination? "Madam,"
replied the interpreter, "I dare not inform you." "But I wish particularly
to know, sir." "Indeed, madam, it is impossible!" "Nay, sir, this reserve
is vexatious; I desire to know." "Oh! since you desire, madam, know
then that his Excellency has been valuing you!" "Valuing us! how, sir?"
"Yes, ladies, his Excellency, after the custom of his country, has been
setting a price upon each of you!" "Well, that's whimsical enough; and
how much may that lady be worth, according to his estimation?" "A
thousand crowns." "And the other?" "Five hundred crowns." "And that
young lady with fair hair?" "The same price." "And that lady who is
painted?" "Fifty crowns." "And pray, sir, what may I be worth in the
tariff of his Excellency's good graces?" "Oh, madam, you really must
excuse me, I beg." "Come, come, no concealments." "The Prince
merely said as he passed you--" "Well, what did he say?" inquired the
lady with great eagerness. "He said, madam, that he did not know the
small coin of this country."
PRO ARIS ET FOCIS [Sidenote: _Percy Anecdotes_]
At the establishment of volunteer corps, a certain corporation agreed to
form a body, on condition that they should not be obliged to quit the
country. The proposal was submitted to Mr. Pitt; who said he had no
objection to the terms, if they would permit him to add, "except, in case
of invasion."
THE GENTLE READER [Sidenote: _Anon._]
No British Museum the fisherman needs: He simply goes down to the
river and reeds.
CLERGYMEN AND CHICKENS [Sidenote: _Samuel Butler_]
Why, let me ask, should a hen lay an egg, which egg can become a
chicken in about three weeks and a full-grown hen in less than a
twelvemonth, while a clergyman and his wife lay no eggs, but give
birth to a baby which will take three-and-twenty years before it can
become another clergyman? Why should not chickens be born and

clergymen be laid and hatched? Or why, at any rate, should not the
clergyman be born full-grown and in Holy Orders, not to say already
beneficed?
MELCHISEDEC [Sidenote: _Samuel Butler_]
He was a really happy man. He was without father, without mother, and
without descent. He was an incarnate bachelor. He was a born orphan.
EATING AND PROSELYTISING [Sidenote: _Samuel Butler_]
All eating is a kind of proselytising--a kind of dogmatising--a
maintaining that the eater's way of looking at things is better than the
eatee's. We convert the food, or try to do so, to our own way of
thinking, and, when it sticks to its own opinion and refuses to be
converted, we say it disagrees with us. An