The Banjo Players Must Die | Page 8

flung most unceremoniously across the lobby.
"Brmff-un-hmmhghrjrrgh." Not only had Flavio been flung across the lobby by a guy called Benny who knew arcane and long-dead martial arts associated with infertile beasts of burden, no, not only so; he had managed to get his head lodged firmly between a pair of very large fake breasts. Stage props for the Intergalactic Hamburger Purveyors of Doom, one hopes, or else someone had an odd fetish.
"Brmmf-hmmhg," said Benny the bouncer. He had apparently executed this move with such frequency that he had learned the language of those-with-heads-lodged-in-between-fake-tits. Acknowledging the fact that we cannot all have enjoyed as rich an education as Benny, we will continue their guttural discourse conveniently translated to English.
"Well would you kindly pull me out from inside this bosom, then, if the sight of my knickers offends you so? " pleaded Flavio. Which, for an angel was most undignified. Flavio squirmed about in a desperate bid to coax his body into a position less likely to grant rebellious and very embarrassing underwear a chance to see the world.
"Those are knickers? I mean, the thing you're wearing under that robe, with little orange and maroon teddy bears printed on it? "
"Yes, why? "
"Yes, well."
"Well what? " asked Flavio.
"Nothing." Benny scratched his chin thoughtfully.
"No, do tell please. I am always happy to discuss what's wrong with my knickers when I have my head stuck between a fake pair of breasts. Please, do elaborate."
"You won't get mad, will you? " Benny asked.
"Mad? At you? Why should I be? Heavens no, I'm flung about like this all the time. I actually enjoy it. I approach strangers in the street and ask them if they'd mind very much if I clung to their shins so they could fling me like a ... like a ..."
"Like a mule responding chivalrously to a cement mixer hurling verbal abuse at it, only in reverse" interjected Benny helpfully.
"That's odd. Bizarre description, but yes, that fits rather well. So, as I was saying, I walk up to strangers in the street and ask them politely to let me cling to their shins so that they may fling me -"
"Sorry, but that is truly obnoxious of you. Why do you do that? "
"Do what? "
Benny shook his head impatiently; this little fellow wasn't too sharp. "Why do you walk up to perfect strangers and ask them for permission to cling to their shins and be hurled like - never mind. What's that got to do with your knickers anyhow, little fellow? "
"Oh for FUCK's sake, are all bouncers this stupid? " And with that eloquent morsel of profanity, much to Benny's astonishment, Flavio vanished from in between the two fake tits in a puff of acrid black smoke.
* * *
Someone Very Important has a particular distaste for profanity, and an extraordinarily particular distaste for profanity consisting of four letters, and oftentimes beginning most auspiciously with the letter `f'[The prime example is, of course, `fuck'.]. In fact, any four letter word will do, so long as it ends in `uck'. This does not include `duck', happily, or `puck' even. `Luck' neither; `suck' gets reviewed on a case-by-case basis. `Fart' is fine, since when it is used it is usually funny. It is even possible to sneak one past with phrases like `Oi fuck you, oh NAUGHTY NAUGHTY tongue! I meant fart you of course.'.
In Flavio's case, of course, there was no ambiguity around his command and dispatch of that Most Disliked Expletive. He was sent straight to Purgatory and stayed there for a good 14 years having his mouth washed out with nasty substances of dubious biological origins.
And of this foul-mouthed little angel, we shall say no more.
* * *
Flavio's failure was reviewed carefully. There had to be reasons why an honest to God angel had failed even to get past a bouncer, even a bouncer as big as Benny. Even a smallish, foul-mouthed angel like Flavio. Ah, but that must be it, the reviewing committee remarked in unison[Celestial committees of this sort are apt to speak in unison , in singsong too. Most usually Latin, though Swedish may be employed upon occasion to lighten the mood.] Flavio was too small, too weak, and too few.
A careful analysis of Benny's body weight, inertial distribution, psychological motivations, and martial capabilities was conducted. Appropriate strategies of approach were developed, counter-measures selected, and a team of the most capable angels was selected for the task.
Which was all commendable, of course, only they might have done better to study Eastern European sexual preferences, goats, and the unexpected manners in which these two subjects intersect.
* * *
What with Flavio being in Purgatory having his mouth washed out with abominable substances, the task team was headed up by Cherub Brian. This was all part of the plan, of course;