The Banjo Players Must Die | Page 5

firecracker - hurm, entrails - there, gone." Gone, as was Lisa too, not desiring to witness the Professor test-driving his latest prototype.
* * *
Professor Ramses Abasiri's interest in expanding the capacity of the female hamster's genitalia had taken root in his years of postgraduate studies in Copenhagen. Always an innovative youngster, Ramses developed his own signature method for signalling amorous interest in young female colleagues. The technique involved whipping out his schlongen-dongen in front of his prey and standing there panting. Occasionally, when the girl was unusually well-endowed - his nose would begin to bleed. This method was tried and tested; the resulting success rate encouraged him to broaden his horizons somewhat where his criteria for acceptable copulatory partners were concerned.
To save you the fetid details, Ramses finally found his scientific calling one forlorn night - incidentally, the very same night his flatmate lost his hamster Barry[This is not the kind of insensitive account where guiltless pets lose their lives, though - in the course of events laid out here - some may gain the unusual capability of excreting objects twice their size without excessive strain.].
Now Ramses may have been his mama's little turd but he was nobody's fool, and he could smell an opportunity for financial gain when it knocked on his door. None of this science for the sake of science bollocks for Ramses, oh no, science was there to serve the community and make him rich in the process. Oh yes it was. Barry had not suffered amidst Ramses' cries of ecstasy for naught; no, Ramses perceived, Barry had involuntarily explored with him the new frontier of sexual gratification. The memory of that special evening would be honored, Ramses determined, and the world would remember Barry as the vanguard of the new sexual-economic revolution.
Ramses envisioned a world where the hamster transcended its role as insipid pet and became the cheap and affordable sexual companion that never said no[At least until evolution had provided the things with larynxes.]. The Expanded Vagina Extra-Super HAMster, or the E.V.E.S.H.A.M. would lay waste to the blowup doll market - dull men would discuss breed preferences with other dull men around water coolers worldwide.
As for women, well, they could always grow themselves a vegetable garden.
* * *
Ramses had graduated with a doctorate in zoology from the Institute of Foreign Languages in Bonn in 2473. He had commenced work immediately on his idee fixe, and had set up a research facility in Zamalek, one of the seedier districts of Cairo. Initial work was discouraging, as this journal entry reveals:
"...this formula is definitely a disappointment. For the record, the attached formula[Records of which have disappeared.] outlines my initial work at producing a balm which, when applied to genital muscular tissue, expands and relaxes them.
The results, of course, speak for themselves. Attached photographs wex014 through wez779 show - in amusingly lurid detail - the spontaneous combustion which occurs when applied to your garden variety rodent. Why this should occur is, quite frankly, beyond me. The pictures are worth a giggle or three, though. Try wez034, the expression on the hamster's face is priceless!
Incidentally, Robert, my lab assistant, spilled some balm on his lasagna. I noticed and omitted to tell him; who's to object when Lady Fortune desires to randomly expand the scope of experimentation? Didn't do him any perceptible harm; only he subsequently excreted a pristine lasagna. Which he ate again. And excreted again. Ad infinitum.
The boy never gets tired of lasagna, it would seem.
So anyhow, it appears that this balm regenerates consumed foodstuff. I tried it on a Crunchy-Wunchy chocolate bar. I've eaten it 88 times in the last 4 days; still good as new. Of course, you have to make do without the wrapper. I suppose a narrow-minded fool would regard this balm as a solution to the world hunger problem. I, however, have greater visions - I couldn't care a rat's ass for world hunger.
Hmm. Rat's ass...Hamster's vagina. I could be on to something here...
Dr. Ramses Abasiri's inquiries into the hamster alternative took him, in late 2475, down the parallel universes avenue.
At the time, the theory of parallel universes remained as it had for almost 5 centuries: a boon to unimaginative writers of paperback fiction and no more. Dr. Abasiri reasoned that, if every distinct possibility in our current universe, every choice creating a fork which resulted in an alternate and parallel universe, then it would be most advantageous for him to...
"...ferret out the rodent loving parallel universe, where humans and hamsters humped like rabbits without having to worry about someone ratting on them to the animal protection authorities[The working journals of Ramses Abasiri are rife with this baffling choice of rodent-oriented vocabulary. If the subject matter were not so distasteful, it would be considered playful and poetic.]."
By mid-summer 2476, the groundwork theory