The Bab Ballads, vol 2 | Page 9

we'd either be stowed?In the other chap's hold, you see.
"'I'll be eat if you dines off me,' says TOM;?'Yes, that,' says I, 'you'll be,--?'I'm boiled if I die, my friend,' quoth I;?And 'Exactly so,' quoth he.
"Says he, 'Dear JAMES, to murder me?Were a foolish thing to do,?For don't you see that you can't cook ME,?While I can--and will--cook YOU!'
"So he boils the water, and takes the salt?And the pepper in portions true?(Which he never forgot), and some chopped shalot.?And some sage and parsley too.
"'Come here,' says he, with a proper pride,?Which his smiling features tell,?''T will soothing be if I let you see?How extremely nice you'll smell.'
"And he stirred it round and round and round,?And he sniffed at the foaming froth;?When I ups with his heels, and smothers his squeals?In the scum of the boiling broth.
"And I eat that cook in a week or less,?And--as I eating be?The last of his chops, why, I almost drops,?For a wessel in sight I see!

"And I never larf, and I never smile,?And I never lark nor play,?But sit and croak, and a single joke?I have--which is to say:
"Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold,?And the mate of the Nancy brig,?And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite,?And the crew of the captain's gig!'"
The Bishop Of Rum-Ti-Foo
From east and south the holy clan?Of Bishops gathered to a man;?To Synod, called Pan-Anglican,?In flocking crowds they came.?Among them was a Bishop, who?Had lately been appointed to?The balmy isle of Rum-ti-Foo,?And PETER was his name.
His people--twenty-three in sum--?They played the eloquent tum-tum,?And lived on scalps served up, in rum--?The only sauce they knew.?When first good BISHOP PETER came?(For PETER was that Bishop's name),?To humour them, he did the same?As they of Rum-ti-Foo.
His flock, I've often heard him tell,?(His name was PETER) loved him well,?And, summoned by the sound of bell,?In crowds together came.?"Oh, massa, why you go away??Oh, MASSA PETER, please to stay."?(They called him PETER, people say,?Because it was his name.)
He told them all good boys to be,?And sailed away across the sea,?At London Bridge that Bishop he?Arrived one Tuesday night;?And as that night he homeward strode?To his Pan-Anglican abode,?He passed along the Borough Road,?And saw a gruesome sight.
He saw a crowd assembled round?A person dancing on the ground,?Who straight began to leap and bound?With all his might and main.?To see that dancing man he stopped,?Who twirled and wriggled, skipped and hopped,?Then down incontinently dropped,?And then sprang up again.
The Bishop chuckled at the sight.?"This style of dancing would delight?A simple Rum-ti-Foozleite.?I'll learn it if I can,?To please the tribe when I get back."?He begged the man to teach his knack.?"Right Reverend Sir, in half a crack!?Replied that dancing man.
The dancing man he worked away,?And taught the Bishop every day--?The dancer skipped like any fay--?Good PETER did the same.?The Bishop buckled to his task,?With battements, and pas de basque.?(I'll tell you, if you care to ask,?That PETER was his name.)
"Come, walk like this," the dancer said,?"Stick out your toes--stick in your head,?Stalk on with quick, galvanic tread--?Your fingers thus extend;?The attitude's considered quaint."?The weary Bishop, feeling faint,?Replied, "I do not say it ain't,?But 'Time!' my Christian friend!"
"We now proceed to something new--?Dance as the PAYNES and LAURIS do,?Like this--one, two--one, two--one, two."?The Bishop, never proud,?But in an overwhelming heat?(His name was PETER, I repeat)?Performed the PAYNE and LAURI feat,?And puffed his thanks aloud.
Another game the dancer planned--?"Just take your ankle in your hand,?And try, my lord, if you can stand--?Your body stiff and stark.?If, when revisiting your see,?You learnt to hop on shore--like me--?The novelty would striking be,?And must attract remark."
"No," said the worthy Bishop, "no;?That is a length to which, I trow,?Colonial Bishops cannot go.?You may express surprise?At finding Bishops deal in pride--?But if that trick I ever tried,?I should appear undignified?In Rum-ti-Foozle's eyes.
"The islanders of Rum-ti-Foo?Are well-conducted persons, who?Approve a joke as much as you,?And laugh at it as such;?But if they saw their Bishop land,?His leg supported in his hand,?The joke they wouldn't understand--?'T would pain them very much!"
The Precocious Baby. A Very True Tale
(To be sung to the Air of the "Whistling Oyster.")
An elderly person--a prophet by trade--?With his quips and tips?On withered old lips,?He married a young and a beautiful maid;?The cunning old blade!?Though rather decayed,?He married a beautiful, beautiful maid.
She was only eighteen, and as fair as could be,?With her tempting smiles?And maidenly wiles,?And he was a trifle past seventy-three:?Now what she could see?Is a puzzle to me,?In a prophet of seventy--seventy-three!
Of all their acquaintances bidden (or bad)?With their loud high jinks?And underbred winks,?None thought they'd a family have--but they had;?A dear little lad?Who drove 'em half mad,?For he turned out a horribly fast little cad.
For when he was born he astonished all by,?With their "Law, dear me!"?"Did ever you see?"?He'd a pipe in his mouth and a glass in