The Bab Ballads, vol 2 | Page 7

you gentle tar--?Your union I myself will bless,?And when you matrimonied are,?I will appoint her stewardess."?But WILLIAM hitched himself and sighed,?And cleared his throat, and thus replied:
"Not so: unless you're fond of strife,?You'd better mind your own affairs,?I have an able-bodied wife?Awaiting me at Wapping Stairs;?If all this here to her I tell,?She'll larrup you and me as well.
"Skin-deep, and valued at a pin,?Is beauty such as VENUS owns--?HER beauty is beneath her skin,?And lies in layers on her bones.?The other sailors of the crew?They always calls her 'Whopping Sue!'"
"Oho!" the Captain said, "I see!?And is she then so very strong?"?"She'd take your honour's scruff," said he?"And pitch you over to Bolong!"?"I pardon you," the Captain said,?"The fair BABETTE you needn't wed."
Perhaps the Customs had his will,?And coaxed the scornful girl to wed,?Perhaps the Captain and his BILL,?And WILLIAM'S little wife are dead;?Or p'raps they're all alive and well:?I cannot, cannot, cannot tell.
To My Bride--(Whoever She May Be)
Oh! little maid!--(I do not know your name?Or who you are, so, as a safe precaution?I'll add)--Oh, buxom widow! married dame!?(As one of these must be your present portion)?Listen, while I unveil prophetic lore for you,?And sing the fate that Fortune has in store for you.
You'll marry soon--within a year or twain--?A bachelor of circa two and thirty:?Tall, gentlemanly, but extremely plain,?And when you're intimate, you'll call him "BERTIE."?Neat--dresses well; his temper has been classified?As hasty; but he's very quickly pacified.
You'll find him working mildly at the Bar,?After a touch at two or three professions,?From easy affluence extremely far,?A brief or two on Circuit--"soup" at Sessions;?A pound or two from whist and backing horses,?And, say three hundred from his own resources.
Quiet in harness; free from serious vice,?His faults are not particularly shady,?You'll never find him "SHY"--for, once or twice?Already, he's been driven by a lady,?Who parts with him--perhaps a poor excuse for him--?Because she hasn't any further use for him.
Oh! bride of mine--tall, dumpy, dark, or fair!?Oh! widow--wife, maybe, or blushing maiden,?I've told YOUR fortune; solved the gravest care?With which your mind has hitherto been laden.?I've prophesied correctly, never doubt it;?Now tell me mine--and please be quick about it!
You--only you--can tell me, an' you will,?To whom I'm destined shortly to be mated,?Will she run up a heavy modiste's bill??If so, I want to hear her income stated?(This is a point which interests me greatly).?To quote the bard, "Oh! have I seen her lately?"
Say, must I wait till husband number one?Is comfortably stowed away at Woking??How is her hair most usually done??And tell me, please, will she object to smoking??The colour of her eyes, too, you may mention:?Come, Sibyl, prophesy--I'm all attention.
The Folly Of Brown--By A General Agent
I knew a boor--a clownish card?(His only friends were pigs and cows and?The poultry of a small farmyard),?Who came into two hundred thousand.
Good fortune worked no change in BROWN,?Though she's a mighty social chymist;?He was a clown--and by a clown?I do not mean a pantomimist.
It left him quiet, calm, and cool,?Though hardly knowing what a crown was--?You can't imagine what a fool?Poor rich uneducated BROWN was!
He scouted all who wished to come?And give him monetary schooling;?And I propose to give you some?Idea of his insensate fooling.
I formed a company or two--?(Of course I don't know what the rest meant,?I formed them solely with a view?To help him to a sound investment).
Their objects were--their only cares--?To justify their Boards in showing?A handsome dividend on shares?And keep their good promoter going.
But no--the lout sticks to his brass,?Though shares at par I freely proffer:?Yet--will it be believed?--the ass?Declines, with thanks, my well-meant offer!
He adds, with bumpkin's stolid grin?(A weakly intellect denoting),?He'd rather not invest it in?A company of my promoting!
"You have two hundred 'thou' or more,"?Said I. "You'll waste it, lose it, lend it;?Come, take my furnished second floor,?I'll gladly show you how to spend it."
But will it be believed that he,?With grin upon his face of poppy,?Declined my aid, while thanking me?For what he called my "philanthroppy"?
Some blind, suspicious fools rejoice?In doubting friends who wouldn't harm them;?They will not hear the charmer's voice,?However wisely he may charm them!
I showed him that his coat, all dust,?Top boots and cords provoked compassion,?And proved that men of station must?Conform to the decrees of fashion.
I showed him where to buy his hat?To coat him, trouser him, and boot him;?But no--he wouldn't hear of that--?"He didn't think the style would suit him!"
I offered him a county seat,?And made no end of an oration;?I made it certainty complete,?And introduced the deputation.
But no--the clown my prospect blights--?(The worth of birth it surely teaches!)?"Why should I want to spend my nights?In Parliament, a-making speeches?
"I haven't never been to school--?I ain't had not no eddication--?And I should surely be a fool?To publish that to all the nation!"
I offered him a trotting horse--?No hack had ever trotted faster--?I also