The Autocrat of the Breakfast Table | Page 5

and renders it endurable. Say rather it is like the natural unguent of the
sea-fowl's plumage, which enables him to shed the rain that falls on him and the wave in
which he dips. When one has had ALL his conceit taken out of him, when he has lost
ALL his illusions, his feathers will soon soak through, and he will fly no more.
"So you admire conceited people, do you?" said the young lady who has come to the city
to be finished off for--the duties of life.
I am afraid you do not study logic at your school, my dear. It does not follow that I wish
to be pickled in brine because I like a salt-water plunge at Nahant. I say that conceit is
just as natural a thing to human minds as a centre is to a circle. But little- minded people's
thoughts move in such small circles that five minutes' conversation gives you an arc long
enough to determine their whole curve. An arc in the movement of a large intellect does
not sensibly differ from a straight line. Even if it have the third vowel as its centre, it does
not soon betray it. The highest thought, that is, is the most seemingly impersonal; it does
not obviously imply any individual centre.
Audacious self-esteem, with good ground for it, is always imposing. What resplendent

beauty that must have been which could have authorized Phryne to "peel" in the way she
did! What fine speeches are those two: "Non omnis mortar," and "I have taken all
knowledge to be my province"! Even in common people, conceit has the virtue of making
them cheerful; the man who thinks his wife, his baby, his house, his horse, his dog, and
himself severally unequalled, is almost sure to be a good-humored person, though liable
to be tedious at times.
- What are the great faults of conversation? Want of ideas, want of words, want of
manners, are the principal ones, I suppose you think. I don't doubt it, but I will tell you
what I have found spoil more good talks than anything else;--long arguments on special
points between people who differ on the fundamental principles upon which these points
depend. No men can have satisfactory relations with each other until they have agreed on
certain ultimata of belief not to be disturbed in ordinary conversation, and unless they
have sense enough to trace the secondary questions depending upon these ultimate beliefs
to their source. In short, just as a written constitution is essential to the best social order,
so a code of finalities is a necessary condition of profitable talk between two persons.
Talking is like playing on the harp; there is as much in laying the hand on the strings to
stop their vibrations as in twanging them to bring out their music.
- Do you mean to say the pun-question is not clearly settled in your minds? Let me lay
down the law upon the subject. Life and language are alike sacred. Homicide and
verbicide--that is, violent treatment of a word with fatal results to its legitimate meaning,
which is its life--are alike forbidden. Manslaughter, which is the meaning of the one, is
the same as man's laughter, which is the end of the other. A pun is prima facie an insult to
the person you are talking with. It implies utter indifference to or sublime contempt for
his remarks, no matter how serious. I speak of total depravity, and one says all that is
written on the subject is deep raving. I have committed my self-respect by talking with
such a person. I should like to commit him, but cannot, because he is a nuisance. Or I
speak of geological convulsions, and he asks me what was the cosine of Noah's ark; also,
whether the Deluge was not a deal huger than any modern inundation.
A pun does not commonly justify a blow in return. But if a blow were given for such
cause, and death ensued, the jury would be judges both of the facts and of the pun, and
might, if the latter were of an aggravated character, return a verdict of justifiable
homicide. Thus, in a case lately decided before Miller, J., Doe presented Roe a
subscription paper, and urged the claims of suffering humanity. Roe replied by asking,
When charity was like a top? It was in evidence that Doe preserved a dignified silence.
Roe then said, "When it begins to hum." Doe then--and not till then--struck Roe, and his
head happening to hit a bound volume of the Monthly Rag-bag and Stolen Miscellany,
intense mortification ensued, with a fatal result. The chief laid down his notions of the
law to his brother justices, who unanimously replied, "Jest so." The chief