The Autobiography of Methuselah | Page 6

must have cackled pretty loudly, too, for the second thing
that I remember--O, how clearly it all comes back to me as I write, or
rather chisel--was overhearing the Governor's response to the nurse's
announcement of my arrival.
"It's a boy, sir," the good woman called out as she rushed excitedly into
the other room.
"Good, Dinah," replied my father. "You have taken a great load off my
mind. I am dee-lighted. I was afraid from his opening remarks that he
was a hen!"
It was thus that the keynote of existence was struck for me, one of
mirth even in the dark of storm, and that I have since become the oldest
man that ever lived, and shall doubtless continue to the end of time to
hold the record for longevity, I attribute to nothing else than that,
thanks to my father's droll humor, I was born smiling. Nor did the good
old gentleman ever stint himself in the indulgence of that trait. In my
youth such things as comic papers were entirely unknown, nor did the
columns of the newspapers give over any portion of their space to the

printing of jokes, so that my dear old father never dreamed of turning
his wit to the advantage of his own pocket, as do some latter-day
joke-wrights who shall be nameless, lavishly bestowing the fruits of his
gift upon the members of his own family. Of my own claims to an
inheritance of humor from my sire, I shall speak in a later chapter.
I recall that my first impressions of life were rather disappointing. I
cannot say that upon my arrival I brought with me any definite notions
as to what I should find the world to be like, but I do know that when I
looked out of the window for the first time it seemed to me that the
scenery was rather commonplace, and the mountains which I could see
in the distance, were not especially remarkable for grandeur. The rivers,
too, seemed trite. That they should flow down-hill struck me as being
nothing at all remarkable, for I could not for the life of me see how they
could do otherwise, and when night came on and my nurse, Dinah,
pointed out the moon and asked me if I did not think it was remarkable,
I was so filled with impatience that so ordinary a phenomenon should
be considered unusual that I made no reply whatsoever, smiling
inwardly at the marvelous simplicity of these people with whom
destiny had decreed that I should come to dwell. I should add, however,
that I was quite contented on that first day of my existence for the
reason that all of my wants appeared to be anticipated by my guardians,
the table was good, and all through the day I was filled with a
comfortable sense of my own importance as the first born of one of the
first families of the land, and when along about noon the skies cleared,
and the rain disappeared before the genial warmth of the sun, and the
neighbors came in to look me over, it was most agreeable to realize that
I was the center of so much interest. What added to my satisfaction was
the fact that when my great-uncle Zib came in and began to talk
baby-talk to me--a jargon that I have always abhorred--by an
apparently casual movement of my left leg I was able with seeming
innocence of intention to kick him on the end of his nose.
An amusing situation developed itself along about 4 o'clock in the
afternoon, in respect to my name. One of the neighbors asked my father
what my name was to be.

"Well," he replied with a chuckle, "we are somewhat up a tree in
respect to that. We have held several family conclaves on the subject,
and after much prayerful consideration of the matter we had finally
settled on Gladys, but--well, since we've seen him the idea has been
growing on us that he looks more like a James."
And indeed this question as to my name became a most serious one as
the days passed by, and at one time I began to fear that I should be
compelled to pass through life anonymously. There was some desire on
the part of my father, who was of a providential nature, to call me Zib,
after my great uncle of that name, for Uncle Zib had been forehanded,
and was possessed of much in the way of filthy lucre, owning many
cliff-dwellings, a large if not controlling interest in the Armenian
Realty Company, whose caves on the leading thoroughfares of
Enochsville and Edensburg commanded the highest and steadiest rents,
and was the chief stock-holder in the Ararat Corners and Red Sea
Traction