The Autobiography of Methuselah | Page 4

near the end of his tail, I admit at the outset that the
feat was unusual, had never occurred before, and is never likely to
occur again, but can bring affidavits to prove that it did happen that
time, signed by reputable parties who have heard me tell about it more
than once. I make these statements here not in any sense to apologize
for anything I shall say in my book, but merely to forestall the criticism
of highly cultivated and truly scientific readers who, after a lifelong
study of the habits of these creatures may feel impelled to question the
accuracy of my statements and add to my perplexities by so advertising
my book that I shall be put to the arduous necessity of chiseling out
another edition, a labor which I have no desire to assume.
One word more as to the language I have chosen for the presentation of
my narrative. I have chosen English as the language in which to chisel
out these random recollections of mine for a variety of reasons. Most
conspicuous of these is that at the time of this writing no one has as yet
thought to devise a French, German, Spanish or Italian language.
Russian I have no familiarity with. Chinese I do not care for. Latin and
Greek few people can read, and as for Egyptian, while it is an excellent
and fluent tongue for speaking purposes, I find myself appalled at the

prospect of writing a story of the length of mine in the hieroglyphics
which up to date form the whole extent of Egyptian chirography. An
occasional pictorial rebus in a child's magazine is a source of pleasure
and profit to both the young and the old, but the autobiography of a
man of my years told in pictures, and pictures for the most part of
squab, spring chickens, and canvas-back ducks, would, I fear, prove
arduous reading. Moreover I am but an indifferent draughtsman, and I
suspect that when the precise thought that I have in mind can best be
expressed by a portrait of a humming-bird, or a flamingo, my readers
because of my inexpert handling of my tools would hardly be able to
distinguish the creature I should limn from an albatross, a red-head
duck, or a June-Bug, which would lead to a great deal of obscurity, and
in some cases might cause me to say things that I should not care to be
held responsible for. There is left me then only a choice between
English and Esperanto, and I incline to the former, not because I do not
wish the Esperantists well, but because in the present condition of the
latter's language, it affects the eye more like a barbed-wire fence than a
medium for the expression of ideas.
At this stage of the proceedings I can think of nothing else either to
explain or to apologize for, but in closing I beg the reader to accept my
assurance that if in the narratives that follow he finds anything that
needs either explanation or apology, I shall be glad to explain if he will
bring the matter to my attention, and herewith tender in advance for his
acceptance any apology which occasion may require.
And so to my story.
GEORGE W. METHUSELAH.
Ararat Corners, B. C. 2348.

THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF METHUSELAH
CHAPTER I

I AM BORN AND NAMED
The date of my birth, occurring as it did, nine hundred and sixty-five
years ago, is so far removed from my present that my recollections of it
are not altogether clear, but Mrs. Adam, my great-grandmother seven
times removed, with whom I was always a great favorite because I
looked more like my original ancestor, her husband, than any other of
his descendants, has given me many interesting details of that
important epoch in my history. Personally I do remember that the date
was B. C. 3317, and the twenty-third of June, for the first thing to greet
my infant eyes, when I opened them for the first time, was a huge
insurance calendar hanging upon our wall whereon the date was printed
in letters almost as large as those which the travelling circuses of
Armenia use to herald the virtues of their show when at County Fair
time they visit Ararat Corners. I also recall that it was a very stormy
day when I arrived. The rain was coming down in torrents, and I heard
simultaneously with my arrival my father, Enoch, in the adjoining room
making sundry observations as to the meteorological conditions which
he probably would have spoken in a lower tone of voice, or at least in
less vigorous phraseology had he known that I was within earshot,
although I must confess that it has always been a nice question with