The Autobiography of Methuselah

The Autobiography of
Methuselah, by John

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John Kendrick Bangs, Illustrated by F. G. Cooper
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Title: The Autobiography of Methuselah
Author: John Kendrick Bangs

Release Date: March 7, 2007 [eBook #20766]
Language: English
Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
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THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF METHUSELAH
Edited by
JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
Illustrated in Color by F. G. Cooper

[Illustration: Methuselah's stationery]

New York B. W. Dodge & Company 1909 Copyright, 1908, by B. W.
Dodge & Company

CONTENTS
FOREWORD
CHAPTER
I
I AM BORN AND NAMED

II EARLY INFLUENCES
III SOME REMINISCENCES OF ADAM
IV GRANDMOTHER EVE
V SOME NOTES ON CAIN AND ABEL
VI HE CONFESSES TO BEING A POET
VII THE INTERNATIONAL MARINE AND ZOO FLOTATION
COMPANY
VIII ON THE EXTINCTION OF THE MASTODON
IX AS TO WOMEN

FOREWORD
Having recently passed into what my great-grandson Shem calls my
Anecdotage, it has occurred to me that perhaps some of the
recollections of a more or less extended existence upon this globular[1]
mass of dust and water that we are pleased to call the earth, may prove
of interest to posterity, and I have accordingly, at the earnest
solicitation of my grandson, Noah, and his sons, Shem, Ham and Japhet,
consented to put them into permanent literary form. In view of the facts
that at this writing, ink and paper and pens have not as yet been
invented, and that we have no capable stenographers among our village
folk, and that because of my advanced years I should find great
difficulty in producing my manuscript on a type-writing machine with
my gouty fingers--for, of the luscious fluid of the grape have I been a
ready, though never over-abundant, consumer--even if I were familiar
with the keyboard of such an instrument, or, if indeed, there were any
such instrument to facilitate the work--in view of these facts, I say, I
have been compelled to make use of the literary methods of the
Egyptians, and with hammer and chisel, to gouge out my "Few
Remarks" upon such slabs of stone as I can find upon my native heath.

[Footnote 1: It is quite interesting, in the light of the contentions of
history as to man's earliest realization that the earth is round, to find
Methuselah speaking in this fashion. It would seem from this that the
real facts had dawned upon the Patriarch's mind even at this early
period, and one is therefore disposed to regard as less apocryphal the
anecdote recorded in Volume III, Chapter 38, of "The Life and
Voyages of Noah," wherein Adam, after being ejected from the Garden
of Eden, asked by Cain if he believes the world to be round like an
orange, replies:
"I used to think so, my son, but under prevailing conditions I am forced
into a more or less definite suspicion that it is elliptical, like a
lemon."--EDITOR.]
[Illustration: Ye scribe decides not to use Egyptian writing.]
Let us hope that my story will not prove as heavy as my manuscript. It
is hardly necessary for me to assure the indulgent reader that such a
method of composition is not altogether an easy task for a man who is
shortly to celebrate his nine hundred and sixty-fifth birthday, more
especially since at no time in my life have I studied the arts of the
Stone-Cutter, or been a master in the Science of Quarrying. Nor is it
easy at my advanced age, with a back no longer sinewy, and muscles
grown flabby from lack of active exercise, for me to lift a virgin sheet
of stone from the ground to the surface of my writing-desk without a
derrick, but these are, after all, minor difficulties, and I shall let no such
insignificant obstacles stand between me and the great purpose I have
in mind. I shall persist in the face of all in the writing of this
Autobiography if for no worthier object than to provide occupation for
my leisure hours which, in these patriarchal days to which I have
attained, sometimes hang heavy on my hands.