The Attache | Page 6

you here at all? you always was a fool, and always will be to the
eend of the chapter. --'What in natur are you a scoldin' for?' sais I: 'that
won't mend the matter; how's time? They must soon be a stirrin' now, I
guess.' Well, as I am a livin' sinner, it was only five o'clock; 'oh dear,'
sais I, 'time is like women and pigs the more you want it to go, the
more it won't. What on airth shall I do?--guess, I'll strap my rasor.'
"Well, I strapped and strapped away, until it would cut a single hair
pulled strait up on eend out o' your head, without bendin' it--take it off
slick. 'Now,' sais I, 'I'll mend my trowsers I tore, a goin' to see the ruin
on the road yesterday; so I takes out Sister Sall's little needle-case, and
sows away till I got them to look considerable jam agin; 'and then,' sais
I, 'here's a gallus button off, I'll jist fix that,' and when that was done,
there was a hole to my yarn sock, so I turned too and darned that.
"'Now,' sais I, 'how goes it? I'm considerable sharp set. It must be

gettin' tolerable late now.' It wanted a quarter to six. 'My! sakes,' sais I,
'five hours and a quarter yet afore feedin' time; well if that don't pass.
What shall I do next?' 'I'll tell you what to do,' sais I, 'smoke, that will
take the edge of your appetite off, and if they don't like it, they may
lump it; what business have they to keep them horrid screetchin'
infarnal, sleepless rooks to disturb people that way?' Well, I takes a
lucifer, and lights a cigar, and I puts my head up the chimbly to let the
smoke off, and it felt good, I promise you. I don't know as I ever
enjoyed one half so much afore. It had a rael first chop flavour had that
cigar.
"'When that was done,' sais I, 'What do you say to another?' 'Well, I
don't know,' sais I, 'I should like it, that's a fact; but holdin' of my head
crooked up chimbly that way, has a' most broke my neck; I've got the
cramp in it like.'
"So I sot, and shook my head first a one side and then the other, and
then turned it on its hinges as far as it would go, till it felt about right,
and then I lights another, and puts my head in the flue again.
"Well, smokin' makes, a feller feel kinder good-natured, and I began to
think it warn't quite so bad arter all, when whop went my cigar right out
of my mouth into my bosom, atween the shirt and the skin, and burnt
me like a gally nipper. Both my eyes was fill'd at the same time, and I
got a crack on the pate from some critter or another that clawed and
scratched my head like any thing, and then seemed to empty a bushel of
sut on me, and I looked like a chimbly sweep, and felt like old Scratch
himself. My smoke had brought down a chimbly swaller, or a martin,
or some such varmint, for it up and off agin' afore I could catch it, to
wring its infarnal neck off, that's a fact.
"Well, here was somethin' to do, and no mistake: here was to clean and
groom up agin' till all was in its right shape; and a pretty job it was, I
tell you. I thought I never should get the sut out of my hair, and then
never get it out of my brush again, and my eyes smarted so, they did
nothing but water, and wink, and make faces. But I did; I worked on
and worked on, till all was sot right once more.

"'Now,' sais I, 'how's time?' 'half past seven,' sais I, 'and three hours and
a half more yet to breakfast. Well,' sais I, 'I can't stand this--and what's
more I won't: I begin to get my Ebenezer up, and feel wolfish. I'll ring
up the handsum chamber-maid, and just fall to, and chaw her right
up--I'm savagerous.'* 'That's cowardly,' sais I, 'call the footman, pick a
quarrel with him and kick him down stairs, speak but one word to him,
and let that be strong enough to skin the coon arter it has killed him, the
noise will wake up folks I know, and then we shall have sunthin' to eat.'
[* Footnote: The word "savagerous" is not of "Yankee" but of "Western
origin."--Its use in this place is best explained by the following extract
from the Third Series of the Clockmaker. "In order that the sketch
which I am now about to give may be