The Ant King: A California Fairy Tale | Page 7

clutching the planks.
"Hey, are you okay?" Vampire said.
"Yeah," Stan panted. "Yeah, I think so."
"Great," Vampire said. "Listen, I know this is kind of a bad time, but there's something we need to talk about."
"Huh?" said Stan. "What?"
"Well, this is kind of awkward for me, but, you know, I haven't really been feeling fulfilled professionally here lately..."
"What?" said Stan.
"So, well, I've decided to accept another offer of employment, basically."
"You're kidding," said Stan. "From whom?"
"From the Ant King, actually. I'm pretty excited about it, it's a whole different level of responsibility, and --"
"The Ant King?!" yelled Stan. "The Ant King?!"
"Yeah, actually it turns out I know him from way back and --"
"But Vampire!" yelled Stan. "Listen, aren't we in this together?"
"Hey, Stan," Vampire said. "Let's not make this hard on ourselves, okay? This is just the career move I think is right for me right now..."
"Vampire, we can give you more responsibility!" Stan could feel the cool air of the endless chasm blowing against his feet. "More stock! Whatever you want!"
"That's great of you to offer, Stan, really," said Vampire. "But, you know, it's getting really corporate here, and that's just not my scene. I think I'll be happier in a more entrepreneurial climate."
"But Vampire!" Stan shouted, and just then the ropes above him groaned and one snapped, and the planks he was holding onto twisted and spun. Stan was slammed against the wall, and the pink cell phone popped out of his waistband and fell into the darkness. He waited, but he never heard it reach the ground.
Crap, he thought, and began to climb the planks, toward the ledge above.
* * *
"Yes!" said the Ant King. "Exactly! Wile E. Coyote is the only figure of any integrity in 20th century literature."
"Totally," said Corpse.
"Come on," said Monique. "What about Bugs Bunny?"
"An amateur!" said the Ant King. "A dilettante! No purity of intention!"
"Pinky and the Brain?"
"Losers! Try to take over the world, indeed!"
Sheila cleared her throat. "Um, does anyone want some more pretzels?" she asked.
"Are you the one we're here to rescue?" Corpse asked. Sheila blanched.
"Yeah, she's the one," said the Ant King. "So listen - Star Trek or Star Wars?"
"Oh, please," said Corpse. "Babylon 5!"
"Excellent choice!" said the Ant King.
"I like Star Wars. Particularly Darth Vader," said Monique.
"I'll just go for some more pretzels, then," Sheila said.
"But then he bails on the Dark Side in the end!" the Ant King said. "See? No integrity!"
* * *
Cold and angry, clutching his magic sword in both hands, Stan stood before the gigantic Black Roach of Death.
"Come on, big boy," he yelled. "Make my day! Meet my sword, Roach Motel! You're gonna check in, but you're not gonna check --"
With a lazy swipe of its great claws, the Roach batted the magic sword out of Stan's hands. It flew away and clattered into the darkness. Then the Roach grabbed Stan around the throat and lifted him high into the air.
"Eek!" Stan screamed in terror.
"He's a friend of min," yelled Sheila, sprinting out of the darkness.
"Sheila!" choked Stan.
"Here, c'mon boy, put him down, here's a Dorito," Sheila said.
Reluctantly the Roach dropped Stan, ate a Dorito, allowed itself to be petted, and crawled back into the tunnel.
"Thanks," croaked Stan, as Sheila helped him up.
* * *
Hand in hand, Sheila and Stan made their way through the tunnels leading away from the Ant King's lair.
"Don't look back," Stan kept saying. "Okay? Don't look back."
"Okay already," Sheila said.
Suddenly Sheila stopped.
"What?" said Stan, careful not to look back at her.
"I'm, um, I'm hungry," said Sheila.
"Me too," said Stan. "Let's go."
"But listen, we could just sneak back and grab a bite to eat, right? I mean, I ran out here because I heard you were finally coming, but I would've packed a sandwich if I'd --"
"Sheila, are you nuts?" said Stan.
"What's that supposed to mean?" said Sheila.
Stan felt in his pockets. The left one was empty. The right one had something in it - a gumball. Dry. He pulled it out and squinted at it in the dimness. He remembered putting a gumball into the pocket of his suit jacket, but...
"Okay, so I'm going back," Sheila said.
"Quick, chew this," Stan said, handing the gumball back to her without looking back.
She chewed the gumball, and they walked onward through the tunnel.
* * *
"I never thought I'd say this," said the Ant King, stirring his espresso nervously. "Sheila will be angry, but -- well, how can I put this --"
"Spit it out already," Monique said.
"Yeah," Corpse said.
"Corpse, I just -- I feel like you really get me, you know?"
"Yeah," Corpse said softly. "I feel the same way."
Monique whistled.
"Would you..." the Ant King blushed. "Would you like to stay underground with me forever and help me rule the subterranean depths?"
"Wow, that would be totally awesome!" Corpse said.
"Oh god, you're mother's going to kill me,"