The American Claimant | Page 6

I must go Minister to St.
James, the Governor and everybody insisting, you know, and so at last
I consented--no getting out of it, had to do it, so here I came. A day too
late, Washington. Think of that--what little things change the world's
history--yes, sir, the place had been filled. Well, there I was, you see. I
offered to compromise and go to Paris. The President was very sorry
and all that, but that place, you see, didn't belong to the West, so there I
was again. There was no help for it, so I had to stoop a little--we all
reach the day some time or other when we've got to do that,
Washington, and it's not a bad thing for us, either, take it by and large
and all around-- I had to stoop a little and offer to take Constantinople.
Washington, consider this--for it's perfectly true--within a month I
asked for China; within another month I begged for Japan; one year
later I was away down, down, down, supplicating with tears and
anguish for the bottom office in the gift of the government of the
United States--Flint-Picker in the cellars of the War Department. And
by George I didn't get it."
"Flint-Picker?"
"Yes. Office established in the time of the Revolution, last century. The
musket-flints for the military posts were supplied from the capitol.
They do it yet; for although the flint-arm has gone out and the forts
have tumbled down, the decree hasn't been repealed--been overlooked
and forgotten, you see--and so the vacancies where old Ticonderoga
and others used to stand, still get their six quarts of gun-flints a year
just the same."

Washington said musingly after a pause:
"How strange it seems--to start for Minister to England at twenty
thousand a year and fail for flintpicker at--"
"Three dollars a week. It's human life, Washington--just an epitome of
human ambition, and struggle, and the outcome: you aim for the palace
and get drowned in the sewer."
There was another meditative silence. Then Washington said, with
earnest compassion in his voice--
"And so, after coming here, against your inclination, to satisfy your
sense of patriotic duty and appease a selfish public clamor, you get
absolutely nothing for it."
"Nothing?" The Colonel had to get up and stand, to get room for his
amazement to expand. "Nothing, Washington? I ask you this: to be a
perpetual Member and the only Perpetual Member of a Diplomatic
Body accredited to the greatest country on earth do you call that
nothing?"
It was Washington's turn to be amazed. He was stricken dumb; but the
wide-eyed wonder, the reverent admiration expressed in his face were
more eloquent than any words could have been. The Colonel's
wounded spirit was healed and he resumed his seat pleased and content.
He leaned forward and said impressively:
"What was due to a man who had become forever conspicuous by an
experience without precedent in the history of the world?--a man made
permanently and diplomatically sacred, so to speak, by having been
connected, temporarily, through solicitation, with every single
diplomatic post in the roster of this government, from Envoy
Extraordinary and Minister Plenipotentiary to the Court of St. James all
the way down to Consul to a guano rock in the Straits of Sunda--salary
payable in guano--which disappeared by volcanic convulsion the day
before they got down to my name in the list of applicants. Certainly
something august enough to be answerable to the size of this unique
and memorable experience was my due, and I got it. By the common
voice of this community, by acclamation of the people, that mighty
utterance which brushes aside laws and legislation, and from whose
decrees there is no appeal, I was named Perpetual Member of the
Diplomatic Body representing the multifarious sovereignties and
civilizations of the globe near the republican court of the United States

of America. And they brought me home with a torchlight procession."
"It is wonderful, Colonel, simply wonderful."
"It's the loftiest official position in the whole earth."
"I should think so--and the most commanding."
"You have named the word. Think of it. I frown, and there is war; I
smile, and contending nations lay down their arms."
"It is awful. The responsibility, I mean."
"It is nothing. Responsibility is no burden to me; I am used to it; have
always been used to it."
"And the work--the work! Do you have to attend all the sittings?"
"Who, I? Does the Emperor of Russia attend the conclaves of the
governors of the provinces? He sits at home, and indicates his
pleasure."
Washington was silent a moment, then a deep sigh escaped him.
"How proud I was an hour ago; how paltry seems my little promotion
now! Colonel, the reason I came to Washington is,--I am